How to Communicate Feelings Effectively With a Spouse

When you live with a person, you can get so caught up in day-to-day living that you can ignore important elements of your relationship. Once of the most important aspects of a relationship is its emotional component, yet this is also the easiest part of your relationship to let slip into disrepair. One way to ensure that you keep the emotional component of your relationship alive is to share your feelings with your spouse regularly and effectively.

Instructions

1. Enter into a discussion about your feelings with openness and a true desire to share them with your spouse. If you want to talk about feelings to somehow attack your spouse, such as wanting a spouse to feel guilty about their behavior, wait. Your spouse will become defensive and won't be able to hear your feelings.

2. Talk about your feelings when you have time to fully discuss them and when you're not in the middle of an argument. Though it's perfectly acceptable to raise your feelings as a point in an argument, it's not the best time to effectively communicate your feelings. Your spouse will be most open when feelings are introduced in a positive manner.

3. Take responsibility for your feelings. The best way to do this in conversation is to use first person. For example, rather than saying, "you make me angry when you don't do what you commit to," say, "I feel angry when you don't do what you commit to." Though it's a small linguistic change, you're no longer accusing your spouse of something when you use first person.

4. Make eye contact as you're talking. Doing so helps your spouse feel included and emphasizes that you want your spouse to understand what you're saying.

5. Listen to your spouse's responses carefully, and watch your spouse's body language for clues that they are feeling overwhelmed or defensive. If you notice this, ask your spouse to explain what makes them uncomfortable about the conversation.

6. Ask your spouse to share feelings if they don't volunteer them. Some people need encouragement to talk about their feelings. However, if your spouse doesn't want to share feelings, pressing your spouse may lead to an argument.

Tips & Warnings

• Share positive feelings with your spouse as well as negative feelings. Positive feelings can be equally difficult to communicate effectively, even though they're more enjoyable to share and to hear about. If you're communicating feelings that aren't related to your spouse, still use first person. Otherwise, you're blaming your feelings on another person, which doesn't allow you to work through them.

• Don't get angry at your spouse, even if they get defensive. Instead, ask them why they are reacting the way they are. That way, you can learn more about their feelings.