How to Have a Relationship That Lasts A Lifetime

Valentine's Day is the time of the year devoted to appreciating someone special in your life. Too often, relationships are out of balance because they started off on the wrong foot. Men, you know - those inhabitants of Mars, are sexually and visually motivated for the most part and show little interest in expressing their emotions publicly. Women, on the other hand - those from Venus, are so emotion-driven. They search for "soul mates" who look for ways to connect in the heart.

"Sex should be the "reward" of two souls who have exchanged vows of matrimony. Unfortunately, unbalanced thinking says sex is okay early. After this article, it is the author's hope that it's okay to "take it slow."

Things You'll Need

• A Friend of the opposite sex
• Time
• Willingness to learn
• Strong self control

Instructions

1. 

   The first step, which seems elementary, is for meeting other people. A good place is in a singles group or class setting or forum. It's important to start the relationship with exchanging handshakes or having fun as a large group, like bowling or attending a conference together as a group.

2. This next step moves the meeting of a smaller group going to a movie or visit to a park together. Still, it's a friendship where you are really just meeting together, and you came in separate cars. The girls walk together; the guys hang by themselves. You might make eye contact or speak briefly, but it's just platonic and objective. Everyone leaves to go home alone.

3. 

   You feel there is a connection at least to talk in the hall between services or classes, and even meet to study in the library together. You are building a relationship and you're letting "nature" take its course without jumping into bed too early. Sex at one of these junctures interrupts the objectivity of the relationship and plunges the couple into a spiral in which they may never get out of without hurting each other. The goal should be just to enjoy each other's presence. You might even exhange phone numbers, but only call to discuss matters at school or church.

4. This step may be a double date or daytime meeting to start doing things together as a couple. Your friendship is ascending a ladder toward something long term by talking about likes and dislikes, tastes and smells. Touching is not allowed here, except maybe to gently touch the shoulder or arm. Intimate touching at this point can become a runaway train for those with little or no self control. Setting boundaries should not only be a "girl" thing but a guy thing too. Preserving your intimate self guards your heart from getting crushed and mutilated by self-seeking, instant gratifying people who have no true desire to relate emotionally.

5. Serious dating can happen at this point, but the boundaries must be maintained vigilantly as thoughts of "what if this is the one..." starts occupying your minds. The fruit of a life controlled by the Spirit of God is self control. That means, you are controlling your mind and not allowing dirty jokes or improper behavior interfere with your relationship. You might be getting possessive at this point and not wanting anyone else to step in between what is getting built.

6. 

   Ultra-serious meeting together commences and talk of becoming engaged may come into this step. It is important that the decision is mutual and not manipulative. If one thinks that sex is okay at this point, the other should be strong enough to step on the brakes and drop the steps back while the two agree on what's most important - each other's happiness long term. A kiss would be permissible here, but "petting" of any kind only sets the stage for going too far. Two adults, especially divorced or recently-widowed adults, can jump over steps 2-6 and jump right into bed - committing sins and errors that will negatively affect the relationship forever. It's not worth it to skip over steps in building a relationship in this way.

7. Engagement. There is a proposal. How romantic! Things look really good at this point. One preacher said that each person should have 100 eyes open to all that the other person does, says, behaves before marriage and shuts all eyes after marriage. Be aware if there are little things, like how someone dresses, laughs, takes care of hygiene and sanitation, eats, drinks, talks, deals with others of the opposite sex, etc. If any of these are a true concern and the other person gets a rebellious spirit in pride-full defiance to their actions, that should be justification to cut off the relationship or drop back down to step one or two. No woman wants her man looking at other women and then telling her "it's okay to look at the menu..." It's not okay. Vice Versa, it's not okay for the woman to look lustfully after a more shapely figured man but restrict her "man" from doing the same for some other woman. Mutual respect keeps your eyes in your head and the eyes of your heart single for each other.

8. Pre-marital counseling is crucial here. Some churches offer a course that covers all aspects of marriage, including finances, family, income, work, pleasure, entertainment, diet, sex, possessions, education, moral standards and convictions, and speech. If the program is only for one or two nights, check around for some place else. The better programs will last for 13 to 26 weeks and the attendees are free to get married or break it off at the end of the course. There should be no shame or misgivings, as long as sex did not come into play here. Sex makes unhappy people feel trapped at this point. Save yourself some pain.

9. 

   Marriage is the culmination of this process, but it is not the end. It, as many readers will attest, is only the beginning. All the positives you practiced and guarded while dating come in to bring you two into the relationship that will endure the storms and strengthen with age. Counseling should be replaced only with relevant Bible study training and mentoring for each gender separately as well as together. Have a happy and rewarding relationship!

Tips & Warnings

• When in doubt, ask questions.

• Make a pact, gentlemen, to her that you "only have eyes for her."

• Learn to love, learn to live. See Resources.

• Don't let sex enter too soon. True love can wait.

• Don't let Hollywood's "chick fliks" dictate how to have a relationship.

Resources

• Learn how to Live and to Love
• Read other articles by this author