How to Ease A Broken Heart on Valentine's Day

Got nobody to bring you flowers? Bring them to yourself.

It is one thing to be single on February 14, but it is quite another to have your heart split apart just before the internationally anointed day of love. It is my experience that most people see Valentine's Day as a contrived day of forced romance rather than an authentic celebration of real love. Just because a person does not have a date on Valentine's Day doesn't mean that person lacks love in his or her life. Even though we know this, we cannot help but feel an added blow when a broken heart occurs near the holiday. If you have had your heart broken around this time--it is my hope that these tips will make your Valentine's Day a little less painful.

Difficulty:

Moderate

Instructions

1. Let your broken heart be broken. Don't hide it. Don't bury it. Don't ignore it. Don't numb it. Don't curse it. A broken heart is proof that you took a risk, that you were open, that you followed your energy, that you saw possibility, that you believed. But now you lie shattered and split, and it feels terrible. You want the pieces back. You want your heart pounding as it did before. But life is not meant to be filled only with rousing beats; it needs monotone hums as well. Just as things are built, they are crumbled; just as plants grow, they wilt; just as we live, we die. Do not let the significance of this moment be lost in a mad rush to put the pieces back together. Be broken for a while. A heart has a way of mending on its own.

2. Relax. My high school physics teacher told us a story about a man who survived when his parachute did not open while skydiving because he was able to relax his entire body. Instead of shattering like a solid board when he hit the ground, he bounced like a supple ball. I know virtually nothing about physics and have no idea if this story is true. The tale stayed with me, however, because it seemed a brilliant metaphor for how we are best to approach life's terrifying experiences. Having a broken heart is scary, but you can survive. Relax. Drop your shoulders, loosen your jaw, ease your grip, breathe, expand, accept, bounce.

3. Remain optimistic. I have a friend in his mid-30s who has not had a girlfriend since college. He hasn't even had many dates in his adult life. He does want to be in love, however, to find a partner, to build a relationship, to create a family, but somehow, for some reason, it has not happened for him yet. Not long ago I asked if this lack of romantic love in his life discouraged him. "No," he said sincerely. "I am optimistic about love. I know I have a lot to offer. I know that when the time is right, it will come." The calm and conviction with which he spoke was authentic and infectious. It was obvious that yes, when the time is right, he will have love beyond his dreams.

4. Make your meaning. Valentine's Day means only and exactly what you choose it to mean. What will the day mean for you? Is it a celebration of all the love--romantic and otherwise--you have in your life? Is it an excuse to indulge in something special for yourself like buy flowers, get a massage, play hooky from work or test ride a new bicycle? Or is it a day to wallow in self-pity?

5. Do something creative. I don't know why it is, I just know that it is: acts of creative genius seem to occur more frequent under the stress of a broken heart. Not only that, but the creative process always seems to dull the pain--perhaps because you are directing your energy in a new direction. Make Valentine cards for your friends, your neighbors, your coworkers, yourself. Play your guitar. Take a picture. Draw. Heck, even buy coloring books and box of crayons and spend the evening filling in the pages.

6. Do something active. Take a walk. Take a dance class. Ride your surfboard. Ride your skateboard. Roller skate. Ice skate. The easiest way to get your heart pounding again is to move your body--and the boost of energy you get from exercise will boost your self-esteem as well.

7. Be "anti-anti." I once received an invitation to a "Singles Against Valentine's Day" party. I RSVP'd, "No thanks." Although I have spent nearly every Valentine's Day of my adult life without a significant (or even a moderately noteworthy) other, I am not, and have never been, anti-Valentine's Day. To be against something--anything--closes your heart. A closed heart is a step closer to a bitter heart, and a bitter heart cannot give or receive love.

8. Don't feel bad for feeling bad about being alone on Valentine's Day. Sure it's a saccharine, cliché holiday. Sure you know it doesn't actually matter in the grand scheme of your love life. Even so, it stings a little. That's OK.

9. Know that others are unhappy too. Valentine's Day is so overblown with expectation that it is rare for anybody--even those in loving, committed relationships--to have outstandingly romantic nights. You are not alone in feeling letdown on this day.

10. Above all, remember: A broken heart does not make you unlovable.