How to Not Prepare for a Half Marathon

Someone once said that you must train for a marathon, but you can usually fake a half. They were wrong.

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Running Shoes
• Running clothes that may or may not be weather appropriate
• Roads, trails, or track

1. Start by spending at least 4 to 6 months of relative inactivity and overeating. Watch a lot of movies, work too many hours, play video games, do whatever it takes to not find the time or motivation to make exercise a part of your daily routine. Be certain to eat at least three or four meals every day, snacking whenever possible during the remainder of the day, thus ensuring an overload of caloric consumption.

2. 
   Running Singlet

   Be sure not to over-train. While there are many steps that can lead to poor half marathon performance, inadequate training is the number one way to ensure a dismal race. Undertraining should be in direct proportion to poor race performance.

3. 
   Running Shorts

   Maintain a consistently low weekly mileage average. If your overall weekly average is too high, you will probably be too prepared on the day of the race. Inconsistency is a key part of this process, with too many miles added some weeks, and zero miles run during other weeks.

4. 
   Athletic Socks

   Follow a strict routine that ensures you never stretch. This includes before and after training runs, as well as on the majority of days when you do not run at all.

5. 
   Running Shoes

   Go to bed a maximum of 6 hours before the race starts, thus minimizing sleep between 3 and 5 hours. Due to lack of sleep, drink coffee all morning before the race instead of water. This one-two combo will leave your muscles and body feeling unrested, crampy, jittery, and dehydrated.

6. Choose a half-marathon that is not too close to your house. This way you can spend an extra 45 minutes or an hour commuting to the race, so your legs will feel tight and stiff from sitting in the car when race time finally arrives.

7. Finally, don't have a race plan. Either start too fast, pull a leg muscle, twist an ankle, or have an upset stomach so that you will not be tempted to run a fun and smart race. If you follow these steps, you can be certain to be completely unprepared for your next half marathon.

Tips & Warnings

• TIP: Alcohol, tobacco, and firearms may increase the likelihood of improper training. Use only as prescribed.
• WARNING: Poor training and poor race performance may result in uncomfortable physical or mental conditions post race. This article is not recommended for everybody.
• WARNING: Cross-training may provide atypical results.

[aliasmindflow]

on 3/2/2009 I've been training for this since...years ago.

[kaytay]

on 2/14/2009 Very funny stuff. 5* and a recommend