How to Forgive the One You Love For Cheating

The worst thing has happened in your relationship with the one you love ... your trust in him/her has been betrayed by them cheating on you. No matter the form of cheating, whether it's "innocent" internet flirting or an all-out full-blown "they're sleeping with someone else" affair, the betrayal is hard to swallow. How do you survive? More importantly, if you decide you want to give them another chance, how do you forgive?

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Open Communication
• A Diary
• A Lifeline friend who is objective and open-minded

1. The moment you find out - STOP AND TAKE A DEEP BREATH. Your thoughts are flying with the 5 W's questions (who, what, when, where, why), and you can't answer them. So...don't even try to speculate.

2. TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK. What do you really know for sure? What is here say that you've heard 2nd or 3rd-hand? Do you really have enough evidence to make an accusation? A funny feeling isn't necessarily enough to spring this kind of accusation on someone...if you accuse your love of this, you'd better be d*mn sure, or your relationship will end. DO NOT CONFRONT THEM YET!! I'm not saying to pretend that everything is alright...in fact, it's a good idea to give yourself some distance from this person for a little while. If indeed they are doing what you think they are doing, they probably won't notice. If they do...well...write it down in your diary that they asked what was wrong, etc. Don't answer them. Just say you're fine, just have a lot on your mind, and go on with what you were doing.

3. If you keep a diary, write down what you've just discovered. Write down every detail. Make sure the date is on it. When your thoughts are swirling in your brain, it's easy to tack on tidbits of information that may not be true. Writing it down is *also* a good way to relate your own logic pathway; for instance, have they been acting differently lately? When did it start? Did they buy or do something completely out of the ordinary recently? Did they make a new friend of the opposite sex (or same sex!) that they email/chat/IM/text message/visit/invite over frequently? Are they staying late at work? Are they taking their cell phone with them wherever they go, so it's never out of their reach? These thoughts/memories will start to surface, depending on what you found out in Step 1.

4. Yes, it could be considered prying ... but if you can, intercept one of these communications innocently to see what they are discussing. If you're in a committed relationship, you have a right to know what is going on in your partner's life. That is what commitment is - open communications about thoughts, feelings, activities, and social life. If they are not communicating with you, there is a MUCH BIGGER issue at hand. Keep track of this in your diary.

5. You have gathered evidence and listed it in a logical manner (yes, hard to do when you're angry and upset and hurt ... but it really is essential to keep your cool - no one gets ANYWHERE flying off the handle), the next thing you need to do is cool down. Cool your head. You have a right to be angry and upset, and no one is denying you that right. But the idea of confronting someone with anger is counterproductive to the eventual goal.

6. If you feel comfortable, talk to a friend who is objective. Preferably a friend that you had before you met your love. If this isn't available, try a counseling service. There are toll-free services available, church ministers, and most health insurance companies offer counseling as well, so check that out. You need someone to talk to right now.

7. When you're ready, and if the above steps didn't show you that your love actually *ISN'T* cheating on you, confront your love. Ask them for a date to talk with you where the TV is off, the phone is off, the computer is off. Tell them that there is something that you need to discuss with them, and insist that you won't discuss it until they are face to face without distraction. It's important to schedule the time with them; they will take you more seriously and will be wondering what it is you're wanting to discuss.

8. When you confront them, do so in a low, calm tone. Use cue cards if you need to in order to keep your thoughts straight. Tell them what you've discovered, how you've been feeling, and why you're confronting them. If you have invaded their privacy by snooping in cell phones/emails, APOLOGIZE FOR THE PRIVACY INVASION, and mean it. Remember by breaking into someone's privacy like that, you have betrayed *their* trust, and an apology is necessary.

9. When you are done presenting your thoughts and your question, STOP TALKING. Allow what you've just said to sink in. Give them a chance to respond. What they tell you in the next 10 minutes is what most immediately comes to their mind, without much of a chance to think or make up excuses, or lie.

10. Depending on their response the steps after that are variable. If they say that they have been cheating, and they don't want a relationship with you any more, well, then at least you know where you stand. It sucks, but you can't revive a relationship that isn't there any more. If they say that they have been cheating, but said that they were sorry and it won't happen again, give you reasons why, etc., listen to them. You'll have to make a decision as to whether to forgive and accept their words as truth. If they deny it, depending on the evidence you gathered, you will have to determine whether or not they are still lying to you and go from there. The key is to take care of #1, which is you. Do what is BEST for YOU. You may not know right away, and that's ok; it takes time to sort through heartbreak.

11. If they beg you to work it out with them, and you decide to forgive and give them another chance, it is HARD WORK. You must constantly insist on open communication, and they must accept this challenge to always communicate their thoughts with you. You must tell them that your trust with them is broken, and things are NOT all right; they will have to work to earn your trust back. And you must enforce this ... that is the hardest part. You will feel distrustful for awhile, and you will want to pretend that everything is as it should be. Do not be hostile, and to not take verbal angry shots at them (that was really hard for me, I have a VICIOUS tongue when my temper is riled), because it doesn't solve anything. Be open with your feelings of mistrust when they crop up. If you're curious as to what they're doing at a particular moment, ask them. If they're committed to making it work, they'll tell you.

12. All you can do is take it one day at a time. There will be good days, there will be bad days too. Both of you need to talk about it openly with each other. Eventually the foundation for open communication will be built, stone by stone, word by word, action by action.

Tips & Warnings

• Never compromise your own happiness. If you know you can never let go of the hurt and betrayal, and it will continue to interfere with your relationship ... it's time to let it go.

[DianeD]

on 2/13/2009 It would be without the loser for me sneed. Great article.

[SimplyCuttings]

on 2/7/2009 Having a cheating spouse kinda makes some people suicidal...I prefer to be homicidal...lol.

[kimarkent]

on 2/7/2009 Hwow devastating this could be,,but you could come out stronger survivors, if you both really do what you said....man,have you ever watched that show on tv, where they expose "cheaters"...whew...how embarrassing!! thank you for being brave. 5* AND RECOMMENDED!

[DenaEBolton]

on 2/5/2009 What sneedc said. 5*

[healthymomof5]

on 2/4/2009 Excellent advice!5*