How to Enjoy your Utility Vehicle or UTV

Half ATV, half pickup, and all the fun of both.

The UTV started out as a vehicle to fill the gap between pickups and ATVs -- a way to offer the off-road versatility of an all-terrain vehicle and the cargo-carrying capacity of a more road-worthy transport. The "U" in UTV stands for "utility" -- which is exactly what these vehicles do best -- but that doesn't mean that they can't be insanely fun, too. Any good gearhead worth his salt will find a way to get the greatest amount of adrenalin out of anything with a motor and wheels. Where there's a will, there's a way to find fun with anything from UTVs to rocket skates.

Difficulty:

Moderate

Instructions

1. Find a place to enjoy your UTV -- hopefully where you won't drive it off a cliff, get it stuck or get harassed by The Man. Gravel and dirt trails, grassy fields and icy parking lots are the best environments. Avoid places with steep grades or ruts that may flip your UTV, and stay away from large rocks or obstacles that your small-wheeled UTV won't clear. UTVs don't typically have a great deal of power, so finding a place where you can maintain momentum is key to enjoying the vehicle.

2. Blow up your engine with a bunch of nitrous oxide. Build a new engine, and keep pumping juice in until you shift the Earth from its axis.

3. Mark out a trail or autocross course, and run it slowly to make sure that the UTV will make it and you won't die by rolling over or hitting anything. Bring your greatest passenger-rival along for the ride and have them operate a stopwatch while you run a few flying laps of your marked course. Switch places and time them, then argue about how one of you cheated and think up some excuses as to why you lost. Then install bigger nitrous jets.

4. Meet up with a group of local UTV enthusiasts, get a chain and arrange a tug-of-war match with another UTV. You can level the playing field slightly by hosting your event on wet grass, ice or snow. Remember, power isn't everything; a well-timed jerk on the steering wheel can pull your opponent sideways and destabilize him. Allow a solid 50 feet of leeway to the victory zone to ensure plenty of brutal tugging and sideways panic.

5. Throw your UTV into a 2WD-high and go drifting in some wet grass or on ice. If you've got a friend with a comparable UTV, then go drifting in tandem, perfect your opposite-lock inertial slide and post it on YouTube to impress your friends. When the world recognizes your "mad skills," they'll come to challenge you and create an entirely new paradigm in motorsports entertainment. Get some sponsorship dollars, buy a Vietnam-era Chinook helicopter jet engine and head to Bonneville to set a new land speed record. Then install bigger nitrous jets.

Tips & Warnings

• Caveat from the Editors: This author's bad sense of humor recently got him committed to an institute for the criminally insane. We at Ehow.com do not in any way endorse strapping a jet engine to your UTV, since the chassis will likely disintegrate and flip over at anything approaching Bonneville speeds; nor do we suggest trying to tilt the Earth from its axis with nitrous, as that would send our planet into the sun and damage its ozone layer. Actually, just ignore this entire article; sell your UTV, buy a Camry and always obey the posted speed limit. -- Sincerely, Ed.

References

• "The Off-Road 4-Wheel Drive Book"; Jack Jackson; 1999
• "Dirt Track Chassis and Suspension - Avanced Setup and Design Technology for Dirt Track Racing"; The Editors of Circle Track Magazine; 2007

Resources

• UTV Reviews: Home Page