How to Save Your Marriage in 10 Steps

Sometimes when problems arise in a marriage it isn't uncommon for one partner to briefly consider the idea of a divorce. However, after some thought about the outcome and after weighing the good versus the bad in the relationship, most couples decide to work on their problems and the marriage continues.

But, if one of the partners is extremely unhappy, the possiblity of divorce becomes a much more realistic solution to the problems. The following is 10 ways to get your marriage back on track, whether you are the one trying to save the marriage or are the one thinking about divorce.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Determination
• Patience
• Forgiveness
• A Positive Attitude

1. 
    

   Often times when problems occur in the relationship, both partners will express their feelings concerning the situation and try to resolve the conflict. However, when you try one solution and it only seems to upset your partner even more, why continue the same approach regardless of how logical or simple it seems to you? If it doesn't work the first time, suggesting it repeatedly and even more aggressively likely won't change your partners mind and will likely infuriate them even more.
   
   Instead, try a different approach to the situation. Listen to your partners concerns, and compromise where you can. When you keep trying the same solution, you will keep getting the same results.

2. 
    

   When your spouse is voicing their concerns about their feelings, listen to them as if you are their best friend, because in a way you are, or at least should be. Try your hardest to truly understand what they are going through. They are a person with feelings and fears, just like you. Treat them with the same respect and sincerity that you would hope to receive from them.

3. 
    

   If you find yourself at odds with your spouse on a consistent basis, it might be from your spouse believing you don't understand them or don't care. What you need to do in this situation is become a Great Listener. This goes in hand with the point made above, but just listening isn't enough. You need to make your partner KNOW that you are listening and understand what they are saying.
   
   While you listen, turn off your cell phone and tv, make constant eye contact, nod when it is appropriate, and repeat back to them in a sincere way points that are extremely important to them. Sometimes just listening in a positive manner will make your spouse feel better and open the door for some reconciliation between the two of you.

4. 
    

   Being a great listener is only half of being a great communicator. You also need to have the ability to express your feelings and concerns to your partner so they understand how you feel. This should be done in a positive manner. But more importantly, you need to be able to get the message to them.
   
   Some people are not the best speakers. That's not a big problem because there are others ways to send your message. You can write your spouse a heart felt letter. You can send them an email if either of you are at work or away from home. A very short text message might be enough to get the ball rolling, even if the two of you are sitting in the same room together.
   
   The main point is, regardless of how you communicate, just make sure you are communicating.

5. 
    

   When you and your spouse are in the midst of a talk or argument, there are some things you need to keep in mind. First off, always remain positive, but not in a way that highly details the future or plans you may have. Being overly optimistic about the future may isolate your partner by being so out of line with their perspective. Just stay positive that the situation at hand is resolvable.
   
   Also, never resort to name calling. Saying to your spouse that they are a cheater, liar, worthless, etc. will keep them in a negative state of mind and will not help the situation, it will only intensify it. Also, everyone remembers labels people place on them and build resentment towards them for doing so. This is easily avoidable by not doing it in the first place.
   
   One more thing is to never bring up something they have done in the past. Doing so is a sign that you may have not forgiven them for that and is just another reminder why they may not want to be with you.

6. 
    

   The previous points have dealt mainly with communicating, but talking will only get a couple so far. You also have to do things together to have a great working relationship. If you and your spouse haven't been doing much together lately, it likely isn't making the either of you feel any better about your marriage. Think back to a time when you were both happy in the relationship and remember what the two of you used to enjoy doing together.
   
   If you have a favorite restaurant together, or used to go to the movies on Friday nights before you got married, consider doing these types of things again. A couple needs some alone time that is just about the two of you! Even if you two used to enjoy going for walks or drives together, arrange or even surprise your spouse by bringing them their tennis shoes and say you are going for a walk together.
   
   In any case, make the situation enjoyable, and leave any marital problems at home. If a sensitive subject comes up during your time out together, ask to continue the conversation at home and you would like to just finish enjoying a great time with them.

7. 
    

   If you can't remember the last time you really showed your spouse that you love them, it might be time to do so now. I'm not suggesting you go out and buy them 2 dozen roses. But leaving them a note somewhere saying something like, I am thinking of you or You are so beautiful or handsome followed with an I love you might be the one thing you do that day that puts a smile on their face. It's the small things in life that matter the most. Make your spouse feel like they are the most important and loved person on earth.
   
   Very your approach so as your partner doesn't come to expect your efforts. Surprise them. Even taking a shower or bath with them and washing them up is an intimate and thoughtful action you can give to the one you love. Remember, money can't buy you love. Your actions and thoughtfulness can.

8. 
    

   Think of the times you and your spouse have the majority of your arguments. Is it something you say or do that starts or escalates the fight? Do most of your fights happen in the morning or evening? And where do the two of you fight the most? After thinking about this, change these things so as to take part of the anticipation out of the air.
   
   If the two of you fight right after coming home from work, change something. Instead of coming home expecting a fight, as soon as you see them walk up and give them a huge hug and kiss. See what their reaction is. If it throws them off and avoids a fight that evening, try doing it or something similar again the next night.
   
   You see, the things you do directly effect how your spouse reacts to any given situation, just as you react accordingly to what they say or do. Change yourself to change your spouse.

9. 
    

   Sometimes it may seem like you are getting nowhere, but you have to remember that as long as the two of you are still married, there is still a chance. Take a moment and think of your accomplishments in trying to save your marriage. A moment recently when your spouse laughed or smiled with you, no matter how briefly it was. Build on all those small milestones. Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day, and you won't restore your marriage to it's former glory in a day or even a week. It will take months and possibly years to make things better. Don't forget your vows that you took when you got married. It is supposed to be for life, so don't give up now.

10. 
     

    Finally, don't give up! Nobody's marital problems are going to be solved in one night. In fact, there will likely be more bumps in the road ahead. But, as time goes on, the good days should begin to far out-number the bad ones.

Tips & Warnings

• Have patience with your spouse and believe in them.
• If you have separated from your spouse, do not check up on them, call or text them, or bother them at work or their new home. You don't want to appear obsessive or crazy.
• If you have separated from your spouse, spend the time apart improving yourself. That is what they are wanting you to do. Show them you are capable of being your own person and you will likely become desirable to them again.
• If you have separated from your spouse, stop saying "I love you" first. Saying those words and not hearing them back is heart-breaking. But hearing the other person say those words first will give you hope and strength that not all is lost.

[brookeley]

on 5/15/2009 Good article!

[JeannieKerns]

on 5/13/2009 This is one of the best Ehow's on marriage I have read so far.. I have been married to my high school for 23 years and I can say that not every moment has been great.. It takes a lot of work to have a wonderful marriage, and not giving up is definitely one of them.. Kudos to you on this article !!