How to Stop Screaming at Kids

Parents do scream at kids. Recently, I watched as a young mother screamed at her five-year-old son in the grocery store parking lot. Her frantic voice and threats caught my attention. Since she wasn't hitting the little boy, I didn't intervene, but I could tell by the look on his face that he was confused by her commotion. When parents are at the end of their rope, they may resort to yelling and threatening- but since screaming at kids feels bad for everyone-here are ways to end the practice.

Instructions

1. Recognize frustrations. They are a plethora of reasons why moms and dads lose it: overloaded, overwhelmed, lack of skills, don't know better, it's what their own parents did, out of patience, want the kid's attention, the list goes on. All parents get frustrated. It's normal, but the problem expands when parents don't recognize when they've reached the end of their rope. They scream and feel bad. They beat themselves up or justify and nothing changes. Instead, recognize that you will get frustrated. Don't expect to never have a bad day. And It doesn't mean you're a bad person if you occasionally raise your voice.

2. Identify triggers. There are countless triggers for frustrations. When you're screaming, stop for a minute or more and ask yourself what sent you over the edge. Are you tired, lonely, sad, worried? Once you've identified the triggers that sent you over the edge, you'll be ready to move toward a better solution.

3. Vent in a safe place. Dumping frustrations on kids never produces results you want. It is OK to vent in a safe place in a safe way. It is not OK to hit, punch, slap or scream. It's OK to talk things over with a friend. I know a dad who goes directly to the gym after work and plays racquetball. That hour calms his nerves, releases his pent-up energy and he can yell with every hit. When the game is over his troubles are manageable and he's ready to greet his family with hugs instead of groans. He is ready to handle the kids without losing it.

4. Set a positive tone. You're the parent, you're the role model. Your responses to frustrations set the tone for the day. Screaming at kids when they misbehave, forget chores, slam doors, spill milk, talk back is counterproductive and often causes more problems than it solves. Screaming and yelling makes kids nervous-and when kids are nervous, they act up more.

5. Use anger appropriately. Anger is a respectable human emotion-and both parents and kids will express it. Anger is appropriate when encountering emergencies, for example; of course you'll raise your voice when your child is in danger. On the other hand, using anger daily to get them to do exactly what you want is not productive and sends a confusing message. Teach your kids what you want, but don't threaten or bully them into submission.

6. Give firm instruction and direction. If one member of the family is upset, everyone feels it and reacts. Repeatedly yelling "stay out of the candy," may get their attention, but not cooperation. Firm instruction like "no candy now" informs the child what is not allowed and "you can choose a piece after dinner" gives direction for what is acceptable. Replace yelling and "no, this is not allowed" instruction with "this is acceptable" direction.

7. Give plenty of affection. Kids want to please their parents. Kids who feel affection from parents are more apt to cooperate than kids who don't get much. Give lots of affection. Tell your kids how great they are and you will find your need to yell and scream decreases.