Things You'll Need:
- Vehicle
- Self
- Ignorance
- Uncaring attitude
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Step 1
Remember, you are the only car on the road. There are no other cars around you. There are no red lights, stop signs, yield signs, pedestrians, or speed limits. The road is yours.
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Step 2
So you are having a tough time imagining that no one else but you exists on the road. No need to fear, just remember that everyone else on the road is there to make you happy. They all know exactly what you are going to do and how you are going to do it. They will get out of your way when you are late for work. They will automatically stop when you blow through that stop sign or red light. Just slam on your breaks to look at that wonderful bird. The cars behind will have already stopped for you and have no problem waiting for you to admire that bird.
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Step 3
The above step did not quite work out for you? People could be so rude. How dare they not recognize that you are the most important person on the road. The following steps will explain how to get back at them and make them see that You are the most important person on the road and You are a Jersey Driver.
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Step 4
Do not, under any circumstances, use your turn signals. Why would you want those other people to know what you are doing?
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Step 5
Always ignore the speed limit signs. As a matter of fact, for you, the speed limit signs do not exist.
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Step 6
On the contrary, when driving on back roads, your speed should be considerably below the speed limit especially in these very special circumstances. There are cars behind you and you are driving in a no passing zone. This is very important to do during rush hour especially if you do not have a job.
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Step 7
Stop signs are yield signs. In New Jersey, a stop sign really does not mean to stop. You just kind of slow down, if you feel like it, and then continue on your merry way.
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Step 8
Yield signs do not exist. In New Jersey, a yield sign really is just a pretty road decoration. It is nothing for you to obey. After all, you are not even sure that the word yield means.
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Step 9
When it rains, forget everything you know about driving and pretend the roads are perfectly safe.
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Step 10
No need to use your hands on the steering wheel. You kneecap is just as capable of steering the car as your hands are.
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Step 11
You know that little mirror on the windshield? Its main purpose is to put on your make up while you are driving or do a quick shave with that rechargeable shaver.
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Step 12
Cell Phones have one purpose and that is to talk on while you are driving. Driving is a boring task so why not occupy your mind with talking on the phone.
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Step 13
When you pull out of your parking space in a busy crowded mall, do not look to see if anybody is there. They are suppose to look out for you.
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Step 14
What are Pedestrian cross walks really used for? There is always people walking in them that you have to drive around.
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Step 15
When you back up, close your eyes.
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Step 16
What does that double yellow line down that back country road mean? You have no idea so you just go around the car in front of you anyway.
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Step 17
No left turn signs just mean that other people are not suppose to make left turns at that intersection, not you.
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Step 18
Red light means stop, yellow light means go faster. (Yes, I borrowed this one).
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Step 19
If you are really in a good mood, get on the highway and drive in the left lane, below the speed limit. That will teach everyone around you to slow down.
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Step 20
When it snows, do not clean the snow and ice off your car. The wind will do it as you drive down the highway. Make sure to go really fast to clean it off. And, of course, you really do not have to clean your entire windshield. Just make a little peep hole you can see through while you drive.
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Step 21
In a rush to get to work, drive really fast on the highway and weave in and out of all the other cars like a ski slalom. Remember not to use your turn signals.
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Step 22
Speaking of turn signals. If someone mistakenly uses them, it means they are trying to get in front of you. You do not want that so speed up and block them from getting in front of you.
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Step 23
When you pull out of your driveway, everyone else on the road is suppose to stop and wait for you. So, there is no reason to look.
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Step 24
Drive 25 to keep kids alive. What do you care, they are not your kids.
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Step 25
If it is snowing outside, it is time to learn how to drive. Go out for a long drive. Drive as fast as possible just to see what happens. If you have been in need of new tires for a while, now is the time to get those last few miles out of them.
