How to Visit a Mentally Incompetent Parent

It is a thankless job to visit a mentally incompetent parent in the nursing home. There is nothing worse than sitting next to someone who will not talk to you or stares into space one day, and then looks happy to see you the next. However, a parent needs you to advocate for him/her, so visiting is critical to prevent caregiver abuse, neglect, or incompetence. Then, too, no one can be certain just how much the parent understands, so visiting may be more important that we realize.

Things You'll Need

• Patience
• Kindness
• Understanding

Instructions

1. Get familiar with your parent's living schedule. What time of day does s/he wake, bathe, attend entertainment functions? Find out his/her nap schedule. Choose to visit at different times of day, and keep track which times of the day are the most successful. Is your parent more attentive after waking from the afternoon nap? Is she/he more alert in the early morning? Attend at different times to see when is the best time to visit.

2. Always make sure your parent does not have any unexplained bruises or is obviously not being neglected. Sometimes your parent will need attention, but the caregivers are helping other residents. If those caretakers are sitting around visiting, then you need to pay very close attention to your parent's care. If you have concerns about your parent's health, ask to make an appointment with either the head nurse, or whoever is in charge.

3. Check your parent's clothing to see if s/he need new clothes. Make sure the clothing is not overly stained or torn. If your parent does have lucid moments, you would not want him/her to be suddenly aware of his/her appearance looking overly shabby. Attentive to these details in your parent's life indicates to the staff that you are paying attention to the smallest of details in your parent's life.

4. When bringing in treats for your parents, remember the staff. Most are professionals who deal with behavior from nursing home residents that is violent or abusive, as some residents have lost their normal brain function.

5. Visit your parent as often as possible. The days in a home get very long, even for people who show mental incompetence. Don't assume that they don't know if you come to visit anyway, because you just never know. That parent just can't convey what s/he knows! Live for the moment with them. If it pleasant, great. If it isn't, start fresh during the next visit.

Tips & Warnings

• Don't forget to hug and touch your parent with love. Very few older people get any kind of touch at all, and during your young life, it was your parents that administered to your needs.

• Bring your parent edible treats that they would enjoy. Try slices of fresh, locally grown strawberries or other fruit s/he used to love.

• If your parent enjoyed singing or music, come and sing to him/her. This is true even if you can not sing. Sometimes you can find a more musical friend to accompany you.

• Always try to attend the family meetings set up by the nursing home. This includes any family orientated parties. Just as you wouldn't allow your child to sit alone at function at school, so don't forget your parent's special parties at the home.

• Allow your children to be with you as you visit your elderly parent. You are modeling how they are to maybe some day take care of you.

• Don't get angry at yourself for feeling depressed or sad after your visit. Being there for your incompetent parent is their right, just as putting up with your teenage nonsense was part of growing you.

• Watch their teeth! See if you can safely check to make sure they are not deteriorating, or that your parent doesn't have a dental infection. Don't be afraid to seek dental attention from a patient, experienced dentist. You might be surprised how cooperative your parent might be for a dentist.

• Don't ask your parent if s/he knows you, or knows your name, or if they remember something specific. Many times this kind of thing simply frustrates him/her.

• Some parents tell their children when they are mentally incompetent to simply hide them away in a home and don't let anyone else see them. Few people truly want to be forgotten.

• Remember that sometimes you are dealing with the frustrations of mental incompetence plus depression. Many elderly are depressed because of their physical condition.