How to Deal With Verbal Bullies

Help Make The World Bully Free!

Verbal bullies come in all shapes and sizes, from the obnoxious and relentless playground terror to the co-workers or spouses that spew forth such negativity that it's hard to keep yourself grounded and positive.

Children and adults alike who are bullied report loss of self-esteem, debilitating fear and stress, and an overall loss of happiness in their lives. While it is virtually impossible to outline all the possible solutions to deal with the variety of verbal bullies, here are a few tips that can help you do something to stop the verbal assaults.

Things You'll Need

• an ever-growing sense of self
• trusted friends, colleagues and family
• a sense of humor

Instructions

1. 

   INFORM YOURSELF. Don't think verbal bullying can cause long-term issues?

   There is a well-known experiment using rice and baby food jars that illustrates just how damaging bullying can be that was originally conducted by Dr. Masaru Emoto. I've added a link below to a great compilation video showing the results of several of these experiments.

   The basic experiment is this: Nine clean baby food jars and cooked rice. The rice is divided equally between the nine jars. Three jars are labeled 'Love', three are left blank, and the last three are labeled 'Idiot'. Each day, words of encouragement and love are said to the 'Love' labeled jars, blanks are ignored, and words of abuse and hate are repeated to the 'Idiot' jars. The end results are overwhelming: the mold and rotting of the 'Idiot' jars becomes a powerful visual that shows just how damaging words really can be.

2. NEVER ENGAGE. Having a screaming match with a bully or trying to match each of their barbs with a comeback, is like trying to have a meaningful conversation with a drunk. Some bullies thrive on the adrenaline rush of watching the destruction of another. As hard as it can be, walking away for the moment at least, can be a good self-preservation tool. Being picked on is not character-building.

   Using humor can also diffuse a bully.

3. SPEAK UP. For children at school as well as adults at work, an environment that is bully-free should be a primary goal.

   If you are a child - tell a parent, a teacher or principal. If you are a parent of a child being bullied, advocate rather than ignore. Many psychologists agree that children who are victims of bullying were submissive long before they crossed paths with a bully. Provide positive outlets for your child -- not every child wants to be part of competitive team sports, but perhaps they can increase their self-esteem through martial arts.

   If you are a parent of a bullying child, have a discussion or two with your child or seek counseling through the school (or your private health providers).

   If you are an adult and experiencing bullying at work, speak up. It may be something as simple as discussing inappropriate words with the offending person, but in many cases, it may require involving management or your HR department.

   If you are in a relationship that includes bullying by your partner or spouse, GET HELP. If you have previously tried to talk to your partner and explain how their words hurt and have been ignored, or mocked, etc., then suggest counseling - whether it be through your church or through your health provider network - make an appointment and follow through. Even if your partner refuses to go, go for yourself and your well-being. Studies show that bullying adults were (1) bullies as children or (2) were traumatized by a bully as a child. Neither of those issues belong "untreated" in a relationship! If you fear violence, get out. Often verbal assaults escalate to physical or sexual assaults. There are several hotlines (emergency numbers can be found in any phone book or online) you can call for emergency advice. If you work, check out your EAP (employee assistance program) resources, or ask a friend or clergy for a referral.

   Unfortunately, in some cases, bullying becomes a legal issue and it may be necessary to get the police or court systems involved. Documentation of all incidents and follow ups are important for any type of bullying case.

4. DEFINE YOURSELF. The higher your self-esteem is, the less a bully can affect your life. Never let a bully be the one to tell you who you are or how valuable you are. Surround yourself with positive people, trusted friends, and influences that help you shine.

Tips & Warnings

• Being a bystander to bullying is equivalent to aiding and abetting.

Resources

• Rice Experiment Video
• PsychologyToday-searchable articles