How to Conquer the World

If you want to learn how to conquer the world, you need to know what the conquered world looks like.

Ever wonder how to conquer the world? If you've ever thought about conquering and ruling all of Earth (and who hasn't?) then read on to figure out if have what it takes to be the unquestioned king, or queen, of the world!

Difficulty:

Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need

• A very well trained army
• Nuclear arsenal
• A really cool computer that takes up half the room
• Supplies
• A specific look, laugh, or habit that makes you the top super villian on Earth
• Alien army (optional, but helpful)

1. Number one, get an army. You can't conquer the world solo. An alien army is great, but can be hard to come by. Human armies are much easier to hire.

2. Train the army. I reccomend starting with targets shaped like a barn. Once your minions can hit the broad side of a barn, you're already ahead of the Empire in Star Wars, any Rambo opponent, any Chuck Norris movie opponent, and the Russians (I'm assuming based on other 1980s action movies). Continue until your army can consistently shoot at normal targets effectively.

3. Get your super computer. You can't conquer the world without a super computer. Just make sure your super computer doesn't become self-aware. That can get messy, and your computer conquering the world isn't the same as you conquering the world.

4. Hatch an ingenious plan. But before putting it into action, locate all possible super heroes (Super Man, V, Rambo, Chuck Norris, etc) and kill them. The heroes always track you down after the plan has started - so take care of them BEFORE your ingenious plan to conquer the world.

5. Put your plan into action. If you have a patsy, use him/her. When the hero goes after your patsy (admit it - you forgot about James Bond and Austin Powers), go after them.

6. Don't be cute. If you capture the hero, no "watch now as I complete my plan," no lowering slowly into a shark tank or locking in a room. You have an army, use them. Or freeze them in carbonite. If you freeze them in carbonite, however, NO BOUNTY HUNTERS!!

7. As your plan works, play Tears for Fears "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" during your conquer the world montage. It's the perfect fit.

8. Get some lackeys to help run things. I mean, you just conquered the world - it's time for some much needed vacation!

Tips & Warnings

• More than one army is better than just one

• Get filthy, filthy rich beforehand. This helps.

• Use Mozilla on your Super Computer.

• No girl/boy friend! They always swoon for the hero trying to foil your plan. You're conquering the world. You can date when you're finished!

• If you have an alien army, make sure they get their flu shots.

• Never trust your second in command.

Resources

• How to Conquer the World with One Hand and an Attitude
• Best of Tears for Fears