How to Survive a Trip With Your In-Laws

Patience, tolerance, and material for your next blockbuster book.

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• A good ear
• A tight lip
• Paper and pen

1. The best way to avoid an all out battle with family, is to take a deep breath, a valium, and hope for laryngitis. Seriously, when I have to take a trip with in-laws, I usually go with an open mind. This might be the trip where they ask me a question other than, "How is your mother?" On the other hand, it might not. I go without expectations because then there will be no disappointment.

2. While this may sound easy, I assure you, it's not. There is always a part of us that wants that relationship, even though we know how toxic it is. Being accepted is something we all yearn for, but sometimes you run across people that just don't accept anyone, unless of course you have a P.H.D., come from money, or are skinnier than they are.

3. When the conversation at dinner is all about restaurants they eat out at or their take on our economy, exclusive of you, turn your attention to your brother in-law feverishly e-mailing on his blackberry and imagine it's to his gay lover back at home, while his wife sits next to him and talks about how busy he is these days. When he looks up and sees his son playing his Nintendo and tells him how rude it is to play that at the table, turn your attention on your own children and ask, "Did you capture Raichu yet?" Save your venom for the room, when you can unleash your anger on an unsuspecting pillow, or put on your ipod and go for a walk, blaring Pink's "So What." I guarantee you will work up a sweat and work off that frustration that would otherwise be directed at your in-laws and their inappropriate and rude behavior.

Tips & Warnings

• The more obnoxious your in-laws are, the better the book. No on would ever believe that half of what you have written is true.
• Don't worry about offending anyone. People never see themselves the way they truly are.
• Never let them see you getting frustrated. It only reiterates to them that you are the one with the problem.
• If you feel angry, frustrated, or like you want to tell them what you really think of them, excuse yourself from the table. "I have to change Timmy's diaper."
• In the case of no children, pretend you see someone you know, even if you are in Tanzania, and excuse yourself from the table. When you have calmed down you can explain how uncanny the resemblance was.
• Food is also a good deterrent. "MY! Did you see the chocolate covered frog legs on the buffet? I'm going to help myself. Anybody want some?"
• Always, always be gracious and smile. It's better to look like someone in a Crest ad, than have your face contort into somethine resembling the Wicked Witch of the East.