How to Save Your Marriage after an Adulterous Affair

Your marriage can survive an affair.

Affairs shake the foundation of trust within a marriage and deplete a faithful spouse's self-esteem. Nonetheless, adultery does occur, but it does not have to end your marriage. If you and your spouse are committed to being with each other in both good times and bad, there are a few steps you can each take to pave the way for forgiveness, understanding and healing. According to the non-profit family resource center First Things First, a couple who agrees that at least 20 percent of their marriage was happy have more than a 90 percent chance of saving their marriage.

Difficulty:

Challenging

Instructions

1. Seek counseling. Affairs are complicated and should not be faced alone. A qualified therapist can help couples overcome feelings of blame and betrayal. According to First Things First, a good therapist will outline a recovery plan, provide you with a safe environment and help you stabilize your marriage without immediately attempting to determine its future. In addition to seeking professional counseling, opening up about your affair around your friends can also be healthy. You may find that more people share your experience than you thought.

2. Make certain the affair has ended. If your spouse was unfaithful, don't hold back from asking questions about the specifics of the affair. If you suspect your spouse is stilling seeing his mistress, then make this known, and hold him accountable. Alternatively, if you have committed adultery and want to save your marriage, you must completely sever all contact with your paramour. Do not simply say that the affair needs to stop. Tell the person with whom you've been cheating not to call you again. If you do receive a call, repeat that the relationship is over, and immediately tell your spouse what happened.

3. Forgive each other. A wife who commits adultery may place blame on her husband for driving her to have an affair. Likewise, a faithful husband feels justifiably betrayed and blames the cheating wife for her total lack of respect. According to First Things First, people rarely seek to have affairs but rather fall into them when they lack common interests with their spouses and when household burdens become too great. Generally speaking, a marriage is strained before an affair begins, and each spouse must demonstrate forgiveness. However, forgiveness must be sincere and not rushed. Ideally, forgiveness happens as a result of speaking candidly about your marriage and empathizing with each other.

4. Rebuild your relationship. Committed couples find that their marriages may become stronger after surviving adultery. However, they must work on re-establishing a foundation of trust, respect and love. This foundation may begin to take shape as a result of how couples discuss the affair with each other. However, you must not let the affair become the focal point of your marriage. Practice being open and honest with your feelings on a daily basis, and exercise actively listening to one another. Take time out to go on dates and have new experiences together outside the home. Imagine that you have just met one another, and allow yourselves to fall in love with each other again. Look at the affair as a challenge that you faced and overcame together rather than as an obstacle that almost tore you apart.

References

• First Things First: Can a Marriage Survive an Affair?
• Reader's Digest; 15 Steps to Surviving an Affair; Sara Hara and Rita DeMaria