How to Cope With Teenagers

Learn how to live with the new person in your child's body.

It happens in every family -- the cute, loving, chubby-cheeked and lovable children grow into teenagers. Parents wake up one day, only to meet a surly, sarcastic person who gives them the "evil eye," or who declares them to be the "lamest, most stupid people on the planet." The parents of these teenagers have not done anything wrong; instead, they are raising children who are moving into a new phase of emotional, physical and mental development. The period between the ages of 12 and 20 can be stormy, but parents of teenagers can survive.

Instructions

1. Establish strong communication with your teenager. She is biologically programmed to separate herself from you and develop closer ties with her friends and age-mates. As you work to keep the communication lines with your teenager clear, discuss your family's rules and expectations with her.

2. Maintain clear parent-child boundaries. Your child needs his parents now, whether he realizes it or not --- being his "friend" and giving him freedom because you don't want to lose his love is the opposite of what you should do. Your teenager's hormones drive him to take risks that sometimes put him in harm's way. When he does take a dangerous risk, impose a consequence that lets him know the risks aren't worth the consequences. When your teenager misbehaves, impose a "natural consequence." For example, if he violates your curfew rule, the natural consequence should be restriction or a temporary earlier curfew.

3. Communicate your expectations of accountability to your teenager. If she believes she is old enough to stay at home by herself for a few hours, she is also old enough to handle that privilege. Sit down with her and discuss your expectations. Ask her about rights and privileges she wants to receive. Set up a contract that describes acceptable rights and privileges, along with a list of responsibilities you expect her to accept.

4. Look at your teenager's new attitudes and recognize them for what they are: growing up and learning to separate from you emotionally. While this part of your teenager's development can sometimes hurt emotionally, it is a normal part of his development. Don't allow the barbs and sarcasm to hurt you visibly. When he acts out verbally, he may be having a bad day; he may not know how to handle that or his evolving relationship with you or your partner.

5. Strengthen your relationship with your partner. In doing so, you gain a "team member" who can help you keep your perspective as you adjust to your teenager's new behaviors and her attitudes. Your child's moods will change from hour to hour, from giggly and silly to moody. If she says something that hurts, give her some time alone while you take the time to recover emotionally. When you talk to her about what she said, focus on how her words hurt you rather than on her attitude.

Tips & Warnings

• As you learn to get along with this "new person" in your teenager's body, remember that the behaviors, risk-taking and attitude will end. His hormones are acting on him in ways that he doesn't understand. When the atmosphere at home is calm, use that time to sit down with your son and ask him if there is anything he wants to ask you.

• Your family's rules will be different from those of your teenager's friends. Establish guidelines and rules that work for your family's beliefs.

• If you see new behaviors that indicate your teenager is suffering from depression, don't ignore them. Take her to your family doctor right away for medical intervention.

References

• Just Mommies; Teen Rebellion: How to Cope; Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D
• Parent Map; Coping with Teen Attitude; Elaine Bowers; February 2009
• "Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers"; Michael Riera, Ph.D.; 1995