How to Spend a Quite Christmas at Home Next Year

Ever wish you weren't invited to so many parties during the holidays. Everyone is always acting so happy and jolly during the Season. Here is a sure fire step by step guide to have fewer parties to attend next year

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Spirits (your choice in volume)
• Santa Suit
• Coal
• Attitude

1. The first step is simply for preparation. Go out and rent the movie Bad Santa. While being hilarious in its own right, it will also provide for the proper attitude and appearance for your next "never again" party.

2. Rent a Santa Suit. After all, you don't want to buy something that you hopefully won't need to use again. If you have somewhere that you can pick up a bag of coal this is just an added touch.

3. An hour before the party have a few drinks (your choice), then have a few more. If you have a partner, have them assist you by timing how long it takes to drink four or five drinks at a time. Make sure to spill an ample amount of the drink on the Santa suit for aroma.

4. 
    

   Call a cab, or have your friend drive you to the party. DON'T Drive after Drinking! Show up right on time. This way only a few people will actually be there and you can get more time and attention from the host/hostess.

5. Upon entering the party announce that you ARE Santa, kiss the hostess on the lips and ask that all the kids to line up for their gifts. As each one comes up, hand them a piece of coal and tell them that they better get their act together or they'll get nothing next year. This is sure to offend both kids and parents.

6. 
    

   Next stumble over to the bar, have a few drinks while sliding your beard down (see photo above). While still finishing your drinks - one in each hand - stumble over to admire the tree and gently tip it over while leaning against it. At this point you may be asked to leave.

7. If you are still there find the nearest CD player and announce that its time to liven the party up with some dancing. Insert a custom made CD with whatever offensive music you can find (Rap has some great contenders here). Rip off your shirt and bump and grind with the hostess or nearest guest.

8. Watch the ice on the front stoop, its harder to catch your traction when being thrown out the front door. Check that party off your list on the way home. You are one step closer to a peaceful Holiday at home next year.

Tips & Warnings

• Eminem is a favorite for the music - plenty of songs to choose from
• This is definitely not an all inclusive list - help others with additional tips in the comments section
• Use these steps at your own risk
• Not recommended for family gatherings
• NEVER DRINK AND DRIVE - find a friend or call a cab

[FrazzledNanny]

on 1/17/2009 Funny stuff. We visit everyone early so that Christmas Day we stay home and spend time together. I'll keep this incase one year we get invited somewhere else for Christmas Day. =P 5*

[LissaK]

on 12/23/2008 Hahaha, great article, made me laugh a bit. 5*

[SunnyVacations]

on 12/19/2008 I use that threat every year with my kids...works wonders

[LuckyAngel]

on 12/19/2008 That's pretty cool. I wouldn't be offended if you gave kids coal, I've already told one he's on the bad list, lol. Great article! I love it!