How to Call off a Engagement With Class

Fairy-tale weddings are a little girl's fantasy, but broken engagements are often a woman's reality. Celebrity exes like Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck aren't the only ones who change their minds about tying the knot after making the announcement. Common folk have the advantage of not dealing with a breakup while being hounded by the tabloids, but that doesn't make ending the relationship any less painful. One of the hardest parts is making it public. Despite the potential humiliation and disappointment of admitting that there won't be a wedding, it's better to end an engagement than to end a marriage. Even though you feel like a mess, you can still do it with class.

Instructions

1. Pick a logical time to break the news to your soon-to-be-ex. If it can be helped, don't bring it up during a stressful period, like the holidays or when he's dealing with a major crisis at his job. Try to be sensitive and patient, even if you can't wait to dive back into dating. He deserves to be treated with respect, and the more you give the more you'll get back. He might ask you to think about it or to wait a few days/weeks until he gets other matters settled before breaking the news. Whether you can do that depends on your own situation. If you know he's not manipulating you with the request and you can accommodate him, do so for the sake of harmony.

2. Immediately notify your family, bridal party and closest friends. This news should be delivered personally or by phone, not by email. Determine with your ex who will tell which friends. Naturally they will want an explanation and you be having heavy-duty discussions about it soon enough. However, you're within your rights to not offer one. Simply say, "I'd rather not discuss it. I'm sure you understand." This response also works for inquiries by casual friends or nosy gossipers.

3. Employ your bridal party and other trusted friends to spread the news to anyone that was invited to your bridal shower or engagement party. This can be handled by email if needs be, with your friend writing something along the lines of, "Jane and John have called off their engagement. Because of other matters she has to tend to at this time, she asked me to let you know. She appreciates your thoughts right now."

4. Work together on such arrangements as who's going to move out and who gets what possessions, pets or cash. Be fair. Your leaving might stick her in a bad spot financially for a while; offer money or whatever support you can to help her with her new living situation.

5. Return the ring. Opinions differ greatly on who gets it, but generally, unless cheating was involved or the diamond is an heirloom, whoever got dumped keeps it. A contentious breakup may lead you to a courtroom to decide, and laws differ from state to state.

6. Return any engagement gifts you have received within a few months of ending the relationship. Send it with a note that reads to the effect of, "John and I appreciate your wonderful gift. However, we are returning it because we have ended our engagement. Your thoughts are appreciated during this difficult time."

7. Don't spread blame, gossip or rumors about why the engagement ended. It's one thing to have heartfelt talks with your mother or best girl friends to deal with this phase. Despite your once-future-husband turning out to be a two-time felon wanted for murder, it does no good to waste your energy trashing him to everyone.

8. Give yourself a chance to mourn the loss but do your best to move on. There is no set timetable for when you should feel better or date again. However, if after a few weeks you haven't picked up the pieces at least a little bit--you're calling off work, staying at home in your bathrobe and eating Oreos by the dozen--see a counselor to work through the grief and depression. You made this decision for your long-term happiness, and now is the time start reaching for it.

Tips & Warnings

• People agonize over whether they should end a relationship before the holidays or after. Is it callous to drop the bomb right before Thanksgiving, or is it more unfair for you to suffer through parties and dinners with a person you don't want to be with? Painful as it is, call things off as soon as you know it's not going to work. Your girlfriend could be planning on buying you an expensive gift that's hard too return, or she could be furious that you pretended to enjoy Christmas with her family. The quicker you end it, the quicker both of you get on with your lives.

• Don't be connived into staying with someone with violence, manipulation or threats of injury to you, them or people you know. Leave immediately if this happens and seek professional guidance, be it from a lawyer, a policeman or a therapist.