How to Get a Personal Government Bail-Out

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By EmmaRileySutton
User-Submitted Article

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(42 Ratings)

Big business, really big business, should not be the only ones to get a bail-out. Even ordinary folks, such as Joe the Plumber, should get some help. Very few Americans have not made financial mistakes, like the big businesses getting the help from the government. Of course, you probably haven’t made as big of mistakes as those businesses have. Barack Obama has said he is going to spread the wealth, so ask for you piece of the pie. He’s going to raise taxes anyway, so it isn’t like there will be some horrible punishment for asking for a hand-out.

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

Step 1

Be honest. Explain your situation in detail. Maybe you spent too much on birthday presents or you used your credit cards too much for online gambling. Your situation could be much more serious. Perhaps your job was sent overseas like thousands of others or you lost all your savings when the stock market crashed. Tell the truth. If for no other reason, it will be a good example for politicians to hear. They need to hear the truth as opposed to the speeches they hear in Washington, D.C.
Step 2

Plead you case. Add the tears and the quiver in your voice. That is what the big business did to get their money. Talk about your children and the future of your family and how this government bail-out will make their future brighter. Call your children’s weekly allowances “job performance bonuses.” Make sure those “bonuses” are large and can not be stopped. You don’t want to lose good children (workers) to the competition, especially foreign competition. Do not fly your family to Washington in your private fleet LearJets, though. For some reason, that didn’t “fly” there.
Step 3

Remind the government your personal bail-out is much smaller than their past bail-outs. Chances are you won’t need several hundred billion dollars to get yourself out of trouble. Tell the politicians this. Explain how this is just a drop in the bucket compared to all the money they have handed out in the past. Remind them that Barack Obama is going to be spreading the wealth and you don’t want to wait for your fair share.
Step 4

Wish on that lucky star in the sky. Do this every night, several times each night. “Star light, star bright…I want my personal government bail-out, too.” Ask your friends and family to join you in this wish.
Step 5

Buy some fairy dust. Liberally sprinkle it when the wind is blowing in the direction of Washington, D.C. Invite your friends to do the same. Create a chant that explains your situation and your needs as you dust the earth with this powerful substance.

Comments

tgail said

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on 11/7/2009 very good article 5*and rec

deanneorear said

on 10/14/2009 Okay this was hilarious. I saw the tips and warnings and laughed my buns off. I work with people in major crisis as well as my own nighmare that has been in media and I really needed a laugh today. Thank you!