How to Use Online Dating Services Safely and Efficiently to Find the Relationship You Want

Looking for love, but spooked by online dating services? Change instantly from scared to savvy, and find the relationship you really want.

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• your wits
• an internet connection

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   Ask yourself, "What's my ideal relationship?" Start with its level of commitment. Would it be a marriage? Casual romance with potential for long-term love? An on-call arrangement? Be honest about what you truly want.

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   Make a list of "must haves," "nice to haves" and "under no circumstances" factors. What's essential in a mate? Include practical factors such as age and location, as well as personality traits.

3. List things you could not accept. What would your ideal mate never say? Never do?

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   Decide which online dating service to use. Choose a site that caters to your relationship preferences. For instance, eHarmony is excellent for folks whose end-goal is marriage. Lavalife and Match.com are great for fun and dating. Others cater to hot chat or sexual adventures. Look around, ask around, choose wisely.

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   Be honest! If you want to find your ideal mate, you'll need to complete the online service's questionnaire truthfully. Don't hide what you see as your weaknesses. This can only backfire down the road, when you have met someone fantastic, only for them to learn you've been dishonest from the start.

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   Work the system safely. You can find fabulous people out there, and they're worth the effort. That noted, it's not uncommon to encounter the odd liar or cheat en route. Be wise to this possibility, but don't let it discourage you.

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   Focus on quality, not quantity, in your exchanges. Resist the temptation to use more than one service at a time. Don't chat or instant message (IM) with more than a couple of people at once. If you're bombarded with IMs, respond with a courtesy note such as, "...getting IM bombed at the moment - can we connect another time?"

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   Photo: BigFoto

   Communicate only with people who have fully completed their profile and included a recent photo.

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   Use your time efficiently. For instance, after a few thoughtful email exchanges, suggest a telephone conversation. Instant messaging and emailing can be time consuming, so it's worth your while to use a phone call to check the person's legitimacy, as well as the verbal chemistry between the two of you, fairly early on.

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    To arrange a phone date, pick a date and time for the call when you know you'll be relaxed and have privacy. In a heterosexual scenario, the man should provide the woman with his phone number. If the first conversation goes well, you can either plan another phone date or leap forward to meeting for a casual coffee or drink.

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    When planning the first date, keep it to 45 minutes to an hour. Coffee, lunch, or a quick drink after work are good options. Meet in a public place such as a coffee shop, restaurant or bar. Give your date an obvious detail to look for so they know when they've found you (such as a red book on the table, or a brown briefcase in the chair beside you).

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    Before you meet, ensure the person is who they say they are. A woman should be able to successfully reach her male date by phone - both at home and at work - before meeting in person. If a man refuses to provide a home address and phone number as well as a work number, a woman should assume he is either married, or up to no good. Move on! The same is not true for the woman. She should not provide details about her address or home phone number until she has fully checked him out. (Sorry guys, but statistically, women are at much higher safety risk. Be a gentleman).
    
    Before you go, give a close friend or family number details of your planned rendezvous. Write the name, address and telephone number of your date, as well as details about where and when the date will take place. Promise to report in to your friend at the date's scheduled end-time, and keep that promise.

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    Have fun. Think of the coffee date as chance to get to know someone new and great. If you're nervous, try to remember that you and your date are both in the same situation. Try asking open-ended questions, such as "How's your day been so far?" or "What's the most fun you've ever had?" Encourage conversation with comments like, "Tell me more" or "What happened next?"

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    If the coffee date goes well, say so. Tell your date what you enjoyed about meeting them, and let them know you'd like to meet again.
    If you don't feel the chemistry, that's fine too. Simply tell your date you don't feel the chemistry, but find something nice to say as well. Be sincere in your thanks for their time and leave them feeling encouraged to keep looking.

15. If you're planning to meet again, it's wise to try to meet your date again in a group situation fairly early on. Attending a party, event or concert with a group of their friends will give you valuable insight into their history and personality.
    
    If you're not planning to meet again, send your date a quick thank you note the next time you log on, and again, wish them success in their search.

Tips & Warnings

• Don't try to present yourself as what you think someone else wants. You aren't that elusive perfect woman or man - you're you. And "you" is a good thing to the right mate.
• Be courteous and kind. For instance, don't pre-plan a "rescue call" during the date to allow a quick escape if you're not into the person. It's tacky. The point of a short first date is that you won't have to sit through an excruciating dinner and movie together if the chemistry just isn't there.
• Use your time online efficiently. Some people want to IM forever or engage you in endless phone calls, but they never take the next step. This is either because they're already in a relationship, or have misrepresented themselves in some other way. Don't allow people like this to waste your time.
• Online daters sometimes fudge details about factors such as age, weight and marital status. If you learn someone has been untruthful, move on. No excuse is acceptable. Dishonesty is more than a behavior - it's character trait.
• Don't be paranoid, but always meet in public places. Treat anyone you meet online as a stranger until time and experience have proved them trustworthy.
• When you meet someone for the first time, cheerfully tell them you have a policy of getting the formalities out of the way first. Casually present your drivers license and ask your date to do the same. Ensure the name and birth date correspond with the name and age they gave you earlier.

[Devero]

on 12/14/2008 Good job.

[dasbootjoe]

on 12/11/2008 Excellent job on this article! Very good detail and tips! Thanks for sharing*****

[btriex]

on 12/11/2008 Yep know what you want and don't settle. Good article

[taying]

on 12/6/2008 Great advice for safely & sincerely connecting with strangers. Going in knowing what the warning signs are is a good idea for any relationship!