How to Tame Toddler Tantrums

Toddlers explode into tantrums when they can't control their emotions.

We are all familiar with the scene--the frazzled parent carrying the kicking, screaming toddler from the restaurant, or the child splayed out in the middle of the toy aisle, back arched as he wails and gnashes his teeth because his parent denies him the latest toy. The tantrum, unfortunately, is part of toddler territory for the vast majority of us. For kids in the 1- to 3-year range, throwing a tantrum is oftentimes the result of their frustrated inability to express themselves. For their parents, it can be a very unsettling and trying experience.

Difficulty:

Moderate

Instructions

Tantrum Avoidance

1. Establish a consistent routine. Toddlers like a predictable ritual; sudden changes can make them feel confused and upset. If you always read them stories before nap time and one day you try to put them down without a book, they may respond with a tantrum.

2. Keep toddlers fed and rested--a hungry, tired kid is a ticking time bomb.

3. Distract him. If another child just took the toy he was playing with, quickly offer him another. If he is done eating at the restaurant and starting to wiggle in his seat, offer him crayons and a coloring sheet.

4. Offer choices. Toddlers are experiencing a burgeoning sense of self and independence. Giving them a choice when possible will help them feel like they have control. Tantrums result when they feel out of control. Simple options, like what to have for a snack, give them a voice.

5. Give her a heads-up before moving to a new activity. If it's almost time to get in the car and she's enjoying a TV show, tell her a couple minutes before you need to go that you are all leaving soon. Sudden changes can be unsettling.

6. Pay attention to toddlers. Tantrums can be an attention-getting device. Praise them when they do something well, and they won't seek negative attention.

7. Allow him a voice. Is there really a big problem with allowing him to carry the empty yogurt cup around the house? Why can't he wear his rain boots and superhero cape to the store? Sometimes you just have to let toddlers be.

Tantrum Taming

1. Stay calm. If you get upset, it will only compound the problem. Toddlers pick up on their parents' emotions.

2. Remove her from the scene, if necessary. Take her out of the room, or restaurant or store, and tell her why she had to leave.

3. Stay with him. You might be tempted to just leave the flailing kid alone, but that can actually escalate the behavior. A present parent can act as an emotional buffer for an out-of-control child, a "security blanket" of sorts.

4. Hold her if she's becoming physical. Don't completely physically restrain her, which can be even more upsetting, but prevent her from hurting herself, others or property.

5. Validate his feelings when he's calmed down. Put into words what he was feeling and why, so that the episode becomes a learning experience--"You were mad when he took your truck. Sometimes I get mad too. But it's never okay to hit people."

6. End with love--a simple hug or kiss on the cheek.

Tips & Warnings

• The average toddler tantrum lasts between 30 seconds and three minutes, so just be patient and it will pass.

• Don't give in. If you do, it will reinforce the behavior and increase the likelihood of future tantrums.

• If at any time you feel like hurting your child, remove yourself from the situation until you are calm. Call someone if you need to get away.

• There are several instances when you need to discuss tantrums with the doctor. These include: the child is destructive, the child hurts himself or others during the tantrum, the tantrums increase in frequency and intensity, or the child exhibits mood disorders. Also talk to the doctor if your reaction to tantrums needs help--if you give in easily, if you have negative feelings toward your child or you're uncomfortable with how you're responding.

References

• "Babycenter"; Tantrums; April 2006
• "Babyzone"; Toddler Tantrums
• "KidsHealth"; Temper Tantrums