How to Offer Condolences

Losing a beloved family member, friend or even a pet, is one of the hardest and most emotional experiences a person can go through. Trying to support a friend after she loses someone and goes through the mourning process carries its own kinds of distress. You want to offer our condolences and be there for her during her crisis, but knowing what to do and how exactly to be helpful can be confusing and awkward.

Instructions

1. Send a condolence card, signed simply, "I am terribly sorry for your loss," a small bouquet or a casserole from a tried-and-true recipe to make sure the person who is mourning doesn't have to worry about preparing food during this time.

2. Tell them you are there for them, and then give them some space. But do check up on them if they haven't contacted you. They are usually busy with arrangements and overwhelmed by emotions. Sometimes, it may feel like checking up on them is intrusive, or that you are probably one of many doing so. You are not being an imposition. The fact that you are there during their time of need is appreciated. They will get many condolences, but few people that will follow through and continue to be present for them.

3. Listen, don't just console. They may want to talk about the recently deceased. The best thing you can do is hear their stories when and if they are ready to tell them. If they aren't ready, let them know that when they are, you can be there.

4. Share stories about the deceased if you knew him--happy, positive stories are appreciated. Funny stories are fine, but be respectful. If you had any personal issues with the deceased, now would not be the time to air that kind of laundry.

5. Encourage them, if possible and appropriate, to delegate some arrangement duties. Friends can often help with some of the extra details, such as calling florists or placing obituary notices. Help make sure any delegated duties actually get done.

6. Volunteer to take them away from the crowds of family and friends. If they need a break, take them on a walk, a swim, a brief hike, shopping--anything just for a touch of "normalcy" for a little while. Don't pretend nothing is going on, but understand that some people really need a dose of regular life and feel too guilty and selfish to take it for themselves.

Tips & Warnings

• Don't ever be afraid to say that you don't know what to say. It may feel silly, but it is a perfectly honest and acceptable thing to tell them.

• Ask directly what your friend needs from you right then. Planning ahead can be difficult for folks in mourning when there seem to be so many tasks that need to be accomplished quickly.

• Be yourself. It's obvious when you are trying to put on a "face." There is no one way to be a good friend during these times. The important thing is that you are being the best friend you can.