How to Survive and Thrive After an Affair

Learn how to get through a devastating affair. The steps to take on your road to recovery and how to rebuild your life after the unthinkable happens.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Strength
• Patience
• Courage
• Love & Support
• Kleenex & Music

1. Allow yourself time to deal with all the emotions that you will face after finding out about your spouse or partner's affair. You will experience numerous emotions during the initial discovery period: shock, disbelief, anger, hopelessness, sadness. You may also feel a sense of relief that you finally found out what you suspected. There may also be a short "honeymoon" period between you and your partner as the "unseen" comes to light. Know that these are all natural emotions and that it is normal to ride the wave of emotions up and down as you struggle to move towards acceptance and healing. You may cry one minute and then scream a few minutes later in anger.

2. Gather your support network around you. Enlist a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to talk to on a daily basis. It helps to rotate the "job" so one support person does not get too burned out. Meeting with a therapist weekly or twice a week can help you deal with the emotional roller coaster that you will be experiencing. This is not a time to try and manage on your own. The emotional, physical, and psychological toll of what has happened drains your energy and there is little left over to deal with everyday tasks. You need a strong support network to fall back on and to share your heartbreak.

3. Ask for help when you need it. This may be hard to do if you haven't done it before, but it is crucial for surviving a crisis such as an affair. Make a list of tasks and ask others to assist you with cleaning, cooking, errands, and childcare so you don't feel so overwhelmed. Most people are willing to help in a crisis and actually feel better when they can make your life easier in some way.

4. Do something positive for yourself everyday so you can feel some peace, comfort, love, and joy. This is the time to practice extreme self care. Get a massage, take a bubble bath, read a book, watch a funny movie, listen to music, go out with your best friends, hire a babysitter, go work out, take a walk... do something that will bring a little peace into your life. You will likely feel like it is difficult to get through the day, sleep at night, eat, or do much of anything that you are used to doing. You must consciously take time to do things that make you feel a little better because physically your immune system will be very taxed by the psychological and emotional stress of what has happened. Think of nuturing yourself as you would a sick child so that you can physically, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually heal.

5. Accept the fact that you did not cause the affair. No matter what your partner says, know that he/she made the decision to do what they did without your knowledge or consent. Their actions are never justifiable. Your relationship may have been in trouble or it may have been fine. Either way, you are not to blame.

6. Decide how much you need to know about the affair and then ask your partner what you want to know. If you are not able to talk without fighting, going to see a therapist is a good idea. Some partners may be remorseful about the affair, others may not feel guilt, and others may blame you for the affair. Some partners may continue to deny that they cheated even when you have all the evidence in front of you. This may make you doubt yourself or even feel like you are going crazy at times. This is normal when another person tries to distort your reality.

7. Most importantly, above all, you must take care of yourself. You need time to heal and rebuild your life and your self-esteem. Getting to a place where your emotions are more balanced is required so you can rationally decide whether you want to stay or leave. Once you begin to recover from the initial wound, there is a perfect opportunity to reassess your life and "start" anew. Many men/women go on to lead a better life with or without their partner following an affair. A major crisis can help you see clearly what your priorities are and what you absolutely want and don't want in your life. Make a list of what you are grateful for and what you want more of in your life. Then make a list of what you no longer want or will tolerate in your life.

Tips & Warnings

• Make yourself and your healing the number one priority. There is no one more important in your life than you!
• Be patient! Healing is a process and takes time.
• Avoid making hasty decisions! Allow yourself time to process what has happened and let your emotions stabilize before you make major life changes.
• Avoid commitments of your time and energy that are not absolutely essential.

[Katika]

on 4/21/2009 This article is very helpful to those who are going through the same painful experience. Thank you for writing it!