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Step 1
Don't take it personally. Just as a woman gives birth following bouts of morning sickness, stretch marks and excruciating labor pains, so too will you become a stepmother or stepfather only after enduring substantial torture and testing. To be a stepparent you must first survive the initiation. Don't take it personally; every stepparent walks this path.
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Step 2
Face it together. Let's face it-you and your partner had no way of knowing when you married what you were signing up for. Even though the kids are adorable, blending a family is complex. Even though you didn't know what the challenges would be, you know now. Stepparenting is tricky business. So go easy on yourself when you feel frustrated, cranky or unloving. Do your best and that will be very good.
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Step 3
Develop a knack for stepping back. Make no mistake about it-while you're being ignored, you're being watched and tested. The harder you try to assume the role of new parent, the harder the children will resist; the less you try to take over, the better the chances for happiness.
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Step 4
Finely tune your sense of humor. According to the Stepfamily Association of America, it takes 5 to 7 years for an expanded family with young stepchildren to reach some stability. If a teenager is involved, it may never happen. You can't become an instant parent, but while you're cooking the meals and earning the living you can finely tune your sense of the inane.
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Step 5
Earn a diploma in diplomacy. No matter what the situation, badmouthing the other parent is the quickest way to a disaster. You don't have to like the other parent, but if you want to have a happy relationship with your stepchildren, you do have to figure how to speak pleasantly about their other parent.
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Step 6
Remember you're the adult. Whatever situation you and your stepchildren are in, living together part time, living together full time and never seeing the other parent, visiting only on weekends or summer vacation, whatever-always remember that as tough as it is for you, it is that much harder for them. As children they have fewer emotional resources and less control over the arrangements of their lives. If you remember that you are an adult and they are only children, it will make whatever negativity they fling in your direction easier to bear.
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Step 7
Open your heart. Opening your heart to your stepchild may be very easy for you or very difficult. It depends on the particulars of the situation and the temperaments of family. Everyone wants to be loved, and that includes you and the children who have come under your sphere of influence. If you are willing to feel compassion toward these young souls and understand the suffering they have already gone through, the confusion about how to be a good stepparent will lessen. When your heart is open, compassion will flow more freely.
Comments
ljbinkop said
on 12/30/2008 Some fabulous advice! Being a new step-mom has been hard, but it really can be done of you follow the steps above to the best of you ability. Every situation is different, but if you open your heart for love, love will find you!
Ridgewalker said
on 12/1/2008 A fantastically written article. I wonder how to pursuade my significant other to understand better how to "blend". It is definatly not easy, but if you are in love with someone, I believe you will lay down your swords & pick up your compassion.
Sondrac said
on 11/22/2008 Very well written article. I do not need the advice for myself, but anyone who does need it can certainly benefit from it. Very well written.
cadence said
on 11/22/2008 Great tips - it's tough to be part of a blended family.
anixon84 said
on 11/14/2008 Thank you.