How to Write a Meaningful Sympathy Card

Basic steps for writing a note of sympathy

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Correct spellings for names of individuals referenced in your note and address information for mailing
• A sympathy card or blank note card

1. Give it some thought: Consider that your note is likely to be among several dozen or even hundreds of notes received, and compared with the messages typical of sympathy cards, you don't want to sound waxy. The goal? Express yourself sincerely without sounding like you knew the person/situation better than you actually did.

2. Start with "Dear [insert first names of recipients]," or "Dear [insert last name] family." Be sure to spell names correctly; this indicates sincerity. You may want to practice writing the note on something other than the actual card to be sure it will fit in the space available.

3. Aim to write a simple statement of sympathy that accurately reflects your feelings of sadness, followed by a statement of support. Think about how you would feel if you had experienced the loss yourself. Example: "We are saddened to hear of your father's passing and wish you strength as you mourn." If you had a personal connection to the person/situation, speak from your experience. Example: "I will always remember the way your dad's eyes twinkled when he was telling a story that turned out to be only half true." In any case, avoid statements that imply mourners should feel certain emotions. People mourn in different ways and at different depths. Poor choice: "We know you must feel confused and hurt -- we're thinking of you." Better choice: "We know that mourning is a personal journey. Please know we're thinking of you now and wish you well in the days to come." You can't get it wrong if you stick to what you know and would feel comfortable saying out loud in the presence of those who are mourning.

4. Sign the card neatly and have your partner/family members sign it, too. This emphasizes your sincerity and indicates that members of your family acknowledge the loss.

5. Address and mail your card to the person(s) coordinating funeral arrangements (you can get names and addresses from the funeral director or clergy). Or deliver the card in person when visiting mourners or attending the funeral or other event that acknowledges the loss.

Tips & Warnings

• Avoid statements that make assumptions about mourners' spiritual beliefs or impress upon them your own belief systems. Examples: "Rest assured that you'll meet again in Heaven" or "[Name of deceased] is resting with the angels now."
• Avoid offering to keep a person/family in your "thoughts and prayers" if the mourners do not know you to be the prayerful type. Likewise, avoid offering to help with "anything" the mourners "might need" if you don't know them well enough to follow through without feeling awkward.
• If you feel your note requires reinforcement, contact the mourners' family or friends to inquire about providing additional support. Hold off on delivering frozen meals or inviting mourners to have coffee/lunch until you're confident that your help is desired.
• Improvise on this approach to an expression of sympathy in the event of a loss of a job, loss of a beloved pet, etc....