How to Respond with Compassion when Someone You Know Has a Miscarriage

When a friend, relative or even a coworker experiences the tremendous loss of miscarriage, you can make her suffering less traumatic simply by choosing supportive and compassionate language. Here's how to respond supportively when someone you know has a miscarriage.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• the ability to think before you speak
• compassion
• sensitivity

1. When you learn that a friend, relative, neighbor or coworker has experienced a miscarriage, understand that this is a physically and emotionally challenging time for her. Regardless of whether she had announced the pregnancy, or whether she was or was not planning to become pregnant, a miscarriage is shocking and embarrassing in its very vulnerability. It can leave the woman feeling raw, empty and misunderstood.

2. Next, cast aside all judgments from your mind, regarding the woman's miscarriage.
   Whether or not she had an alcoholic beverage at last week's business lunch, or if you saw her smoking or perhaps exercising too vigorously, now is not the time to make a moral judgment on what caused the miscarriage and the level of compassion with which you should respond.
   
   Never assume the miscarriage could be prevented. You don't have all the facts, nor is it your business or position.

3. If the woman who suffered the miscarriage is someone with whom you have normal daily contact, offer your sympathy and concern. Sometimes, people tend to avoid a woman who has suffered a miscarriage, or they tend to pretend nothing occured. These two choices can be very hurtful to the woman, who is experiencing physical change, grief and even self-blame, during this difficult time.

4. Avoid making comments such as, "There must have been something wrong with the baby," or..."It was God's will," or....."Is there anything you would have done differently?" These types of emotionally charged words are absolutely inappropriate. Offering supportive sympathy includes language such as...."I am sorry you are going through this, and if I can do something for you, please know I am here for you."

5. Realize that some women might act cavalier or carefree following a miscarriage...this is possibly a coping strategy the woman is using, to give other the impression she is strong and brave. Please remain compassionate, and know that sometimes, hurt takes many forms.

6. Definitely do not ask the woman if she will be trying to get pregnant again soon. In fact, do not bring up the topic of pregnancy.

7. If you are currently pregnant, and someone you know has a miscarriage, avoid asking that individual to help you shop for your baby, and avoid asking that person to help you make decisions on what to buy for your baby, or how to decorate the nursery. These actions can be incredibly painful for someone who has just lost their unborn child. Even if you are asking the woman to join you because you would like her company, please, please think of what pain she is experiencing as you are still in the midst of your anticipation for your new baby. Imagine if the situation were reversed.

8. Avoid telling the woman who had the miscarriage about all the people you know who have had miscarriages, and that those people all have children now. This information is irrelevant and insensitive.

9. Avoid referring to a miscarriage as a "miss." This expression trivializes the condition of a miscarriage, and minimizes the pain of the loss.

10. Do not make jokes to add levity to a situation where none is appropriate. Do not say things like, "Well at least you won't have to worry about rancid diapers and projectile after all!"

11. If someone in your place of employment has a miscarriage, do not communicate this information to others via email or voicemail. Often, people read their emails infront of others, or play their voicemail on speaker phone, and the sensitive nature of miscarriage deserves a more private delivery. Please be mindful of that.

12. If you are unsure of what to say to someone who has experienced a miscarriage, it's OK to keep it simple. Offer a note that lets her know you're thinking of her. A few words, such as, "I'm here for you," can mean so much.

13. Finally, remember that each woman's loss is unique and she will express it in her own way. Even if a woman has several children, a miscarriage represents the loss of a completely different and new life, as well as the loss of a completely new set of dreams and possibilities.

Tips & Warnings

• A professional therapist or counselor can help you, your spouse or loved one cope with the aftermath of miscarriage. Sometimes, the experience requires more than an obstetrician and gynecologist for complete healing.
• If you know someone who has experienced a miscarriage and has not been examined by a physician, encourage her to do so immediately. Miscarriage can cause infection and other complications that can affect future fertility, and have other very serious effects.

[Mocha]

on 1/7/2009 Many times we forget how important our words are, and how they can uplift someone or add to the pain. Great advice.

[WriterGig]

on 11/26/2008 Very good advice on a very sensitive subject.

[Kilogramm]

on 11/20/2008 Wow such great details on a difficult subject, lot's of great points and advice in this article, 20 stars for this real life write up!

[DUSTYMILLS]

on 11/14/2008 This is such a difficult subject for everyone. Your advice is not only compassionate but should be a reminder to all that being kind to those suffering a loss is a simple thing to do. Thank you for a terrific article.....

[PABechko]

on 11/11/2008 Thoughtful compassionate advice. All too often we people speak before we think.