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Step 1
First of all, and this is key, you must dress in a conservative manner. Sensible shoes, nice slacks, a smart jacket, maybe a little string of pearls ... you get the idea.
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Step 2
Hiss at people. Don't go overboard. Your hissing should be just enough to give people the impression that you are a tad askew. If hissing isn't your style, try barking.
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Step 3
Carry a plate of precariously balanced spaghetti with sauce. The logistics are up to you. No one wants to risk having spaghetti spilled on their purchases and/or self. No one wants to be near someone who is shopping with a plate of spaghetti, either.
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Step 4
Sing or hum, "It's a Small World After All" repeatedly. Not loud enough to incite violence, but just loud enough to make it worthwhile for people to look for another register.
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Step 5
Say, "Has anyone seen my helper rat? I can't find my helper rat!"
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Step 6
Remember the Dr. Pepper ads? (If not, skip this step). Dance along singing the Dr. Pepper song. Insert perky little kicks here and there, and don't forget some twirls. Aim for the register of your choice for the big finish.
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Step 7
Say, "Soylent Green is made of PEOPLE! It's made of PEEEE-OPLE!!!" Repeat as necessary.
Comments
dlcass said
on 12/11/2008 Excellent! This goes with my How to Throw a Tantrum article. My favorite is Step #7. They might actually call security on you for that one. Men in funny white suits anyone?
pianistic said
on 11/25/2008 LOL. I'm a pepper, you're a pepper, he's a pepper, she's a pepper, wouldn't you want to be a peppery, too....Now try to get that out of your head. :-)
Christine25 said
on 11/19/2008 I know you are joking but some of these ideas could come in handy on Black Friday!
MI-Sandi said
on 11/19/2008 Very funny! Hopefully you won't get a free ride, and a new suit( a strait jacket) ha ha
Susanh said
on 11/17/2008 This is so great!! I need to try the spaghetti sauce one...and the helper rat idea...oh, they're all great! 5***** for making me laugh today. :)