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Step 1
Call in a mediator. Having a trusted and respected third party on hand for when disagreements arise can help you sort through post-divorce issues more easily,especially when there are property or custody issues involved. Set up an appointment with a clergyperson, therapist, or mutual friend --one who's good at arbitrating disputes--whenever you need to discuss a grievance, and agree to abide by the mediator's discussion rules and ultimate recommendations.
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Step 2
Set ground rules and follow them. For instance, agree not to ask questions about each other's dating lives. Plan ahead for holidays to decide when one of you gets the kids and when both of you should be included. Create limits about expressing affection. Agree on what activities can and can't be shared--like continuing to attend the same religious services but not working out together at the gym. Boundaries can make everyone feel more comfortable.
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Step 3
Avoid bad-mouthing your ex at all costs. There are bound to be shared friends and family members who feel the effects of your divorce--not to mention children, if there are any involved--and you can make things more pleasant and easier for everyone involved by cutting the gossip. If you hear complaints or catty remarks about your ex, walk away from the conversation or say that you aren't going to criticize your ex. Others will soon realize that you're not interested in gossip.
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Step 4
Focus on the positives. Instead of lamenting the loss of your marriage, make a list of all the things that you can do in your newly-single state. Arrange fun outings with your girl or guy friends. Take a singles' vacation. Join a dating site. Pick up a new hobby. Your change in marital status is a great time to reinvent yourself instead of wallowing in sorrow.
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Step 5
Leave the past in the past. Remember that your post-divorce relationship has changed. Put away old photographs and mementos from your relationship. Store a few for safe-keeping if you have children, but otherwise, consider throwing away things that remind you of the marriage. Try to redecorate your space with only your style and your single life as much as possible to help you move forward.
Comments
peacetalksmedia said
on 11/17/2009 I couldn't agree more with these points. One more - approach mediation knowing that you can both get what you want. In my new book, we call it "making a bigger pie." If you let go of bickering about stuff and define your real priorities (financial security, showing your kids healthy conflict resolution, keeping some family heirlooms) you'll both have it all.
To aintaboutu's point - no, you can't snap your fingers and forget about years of your life. You also can't expect that punishing yourself will have any effect on your ex-wife's feelings or behavior...though you might be punishing your kids with your behavior. nIf you really need to act out of spite, you'd have better luck if you devoted all that energy to moving on.
aintaboutu said
on 5/2/2009 My wife refused every item listed above and has bad-mouthed me in front of her kids (my ex-step kids), whom I raised, and now as a result I have no relationship with them either. And, oh, I'll snap my fingers and leave the past behind...after all, its just as easy as that, isn't it? I really want to reinvent myself and go on on line dating sites...I can't imagine being with anyone other than my wife, whom I love dearly. Don't bother to tell me to see a marriage and family counselor. I am one, and I can tell you that counseling divorced people is way more involved than the baloney you put up here.
Maddy0808 said
on 12/8/2008 I'm very glad to hear that you and your ex are good friends. That really shed some light on things for me. My soon ex is really a good man, but it was not meant for us to be married. And I would really like for us to be able to be friends after all is said and done. I guess time will tell. So thank you very much for the info.
Maddy
S56Pell said
on 12/5/2008 Believe it or not, my ex and I are better apart then we were together, we have been divorced for 3 yrs and our friendship is just wonderful, we go out to eat and to the movies,even shopping. To me, this is just wonderful. It hurt at first to go through the divorce, but the aftermath made up for it. I also know its not always you can be this lucky, lol. I guess he was happy because I took care of the divorce all on my own. All he did was sign when he was served. I didn't have to see him when I filed and finalized the whole thing.
I did use that service http://www.divorce4her.com/testimonies.html. Funny you mentioned it. Great!! It was amazing. Just know, it is possible to remain friends.
Sandy
novinne said
on 11/17/2008 If you have children, just remember this one thing: you two divorced each other, not the children. Never use them for leverage or spite. When folks ask what happened in the relationship just smile and say "we are two good people who are just not good together." And move on. Move on!