What to Do When Your Spouse Wants a Divorce
What happens when you're not sure you want a divorce when your spouse asks for one? Can the marriage still be preserved, or is your spouse pretty set on a divorce? Conflict does not have to end in separation, but it does take two willing parties to see if the marriage can be worked out.
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Instructions
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Ask why your spouse wants a divorce, and listen to the answer quietly. A lot of conflict builds up because both spouses feel they are right all the time, so they end up pointing the finger at each other. While they're playing the "you did it" game, neither spouse is cooperating with the other. If the spouse who wants a divorce is given a chance to completely say how she feels, the other spouse has the opportunity to learn just what went wrong.
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Keep your voice calm. Regardless of whether your spouse was unfaithful, unhappy or misinformed, screaming, throwing clothes out of the window, threatening the other spouse or hitting each other will not solve anything. It may give the other spouse temporary revenge, but in the end the divorce will still happen and at a more intense level. Instead of resorting to violence, have an adult conversation with each other.
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Make sure your children are not around during this conversation. Divorce is a private conversation that needs to be handled between the two people who decided to get married. Leave your kids out of it for the time being.
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Keep your family members and friends out of the discussion until the divorce is official. Everybody has an opinion, especially family members who didn't like your spouse in the first place. However, your family members and friends are not living with your spouse every day. They do not know all of the sides of your spouse that you do. People tend to tell the worst case scenarios to their family and friends when they are mad, and keep the best case scenarios to themselves.
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Suggest counseling. Whereas family and friends have an automatic bias towards one of the spouses, a third party like a marriage counselor doesn't know either one of you. Some spouses like to talk to their family priest, but keep in mind that this person may know you both a little too well. Make an appointment with someone who can discuss the issues from an unbiased perspective.
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Take some days to cool off. In the case that a dispute has become too intense and the idea of divorce was an empty threat, it may just be that either or both spouses need time to recuperate. Give your spouse as much time as he needs to decide whether divorce is truly what he wants.
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