How to Use Talking Sticks in Family Discussions

The talking stick is a symbol of the power of words and listening.

I like the idea of the talking stick that some cultures and groups use when discussing heartfelt situations, complaints, upsets, concerns or suggestions. A talking stick is a tool of communication that makes talking about emotionally charged subjects more satisfying. Just holding the stick seems to give the speakers courage to say the truth and speak from their heart. Here are seven ways to incorporate the talking stick into your family.

Things You'll Need

• Sticks or twigs
• Ribbon
• Beads
• Feathers

Instructions

1. Design a family talking stick. It can be a thick tree branch decoratively wrapped with leather straps or a fluffy magic wand made of lace, beads and glitter. It can be a twig of any length. It can be plain or decorated with feathers and ribbon. Each family member can participate in the designing one stick for everyone's use or each family member can have an individual talking stick. Designate a special place to store the family's talking sticks.

2. Decide when to use the talking stick. A talking stick can be used at family meetings or spontaneously when members want to express themselves. Talk about how your family wants to incorporate this communication tool.

3. Take turns with the talking stick. At family meetings each family member takes a turn holding the stick. The person holding the stick has the floor until they've said all that they want to say. As long as the person is holding the stick, no interrupting is allowed. The talking stick gives the speaker a chance to reveal all of his concerns. When the speaker has said all that he wants to say, he holds out the talking stick and whoever wishes to speak next takes it. The stick is passed from one family member to another until everyone has had an opportunity to speak. If a member wants to use the stick spontaneously, that means that the family listens closely to what is being expressed.

4. Demonstrate respect for the talking stick holder. The person holding the stick has accepted the right to speak and does so respectfully. The stick represents the family's respect for free speech. The stick implies freedom to speak honestly without fear of judgment, humiliation or consequences. No one is judged or put down for speaking from the heart.

5. Honor words. The talking stick is a symbol of the power of words. The person who is talking must not dishonor him/herself or the tradition by speaking in a way that dishonors the family. When a person accepts the stick he makes an agreement to speak with honor and respect for the process. The person speaks clearly and kindly.

6. Incorporate silent listening. No one talks until they're holding the stick. This silent listening is very effective in keeping the discussion focused and is a respectful, productive way of handling disagreements.

7. Show consideration for the process. A talking stick is not magic, but the process of the talking stick is powerful and transformative. The magic happens through listening, hearing, and hearing over and over again without threats or lambasting, without rebuttal or criticism.