How to Improve the Game of Football

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

Step 1

Get rid of the Extra Point! The excitement is in the touchdown. The brownie point, I mean, extra point is a waste of time. On TV, they forget to even show the extra point half the time, and when they do remember to show it, TV viewers are in the kitchen getting more bean dip and salsa for their nachos. Score a touchdown, give ‘em seven points, and get on with it!
Step 2

Get a new trophy! The current Super Bowl trophy looks like a $9.98 Wal-mart close-out special. True, the Super Bowl trophy is better than that goofy glass thing they hand out for the so-called College National Champion, but that’s not saying much. How about something that at least looks like, well, a trophy?
Step 3

Get rid of the huddle! The coaches make the players memorize the entire game plan before they even step on the field. Word has it that New England Patriots’ coach Bill Belicheck has his game plans written, filed in triplicate, and memorized by his players and their wives three years in advance. Quite an achievement, since the NFL does not even determine schedules that far in advance. Seriously, the players know what to do – and fans don’t need to pay them to pretend they are planning anything other than where they are going for ribs after the game.
Step 4

Tear down the goal posts! When a team goes for a field goal, do the announcers ever breathlessly exclaim, “The Cowboys are now going to courageously risk everything by going for a thirteen yard field goal?” No! It’s always “Well, Vern, the 49ers will sadly have to settle for their fifth field goal this half.” Do fans really want to pay good money watching someone else settle for mediocrity? I think not. Field goals, like the extra point, are brownie points, and don’t belong in a game played by grown men!
Step 5

Drop (kick) the punt! Other than a great chance for the stadium masses to migrate in droves toward the concession stands, the punt and its ever-present red-headed cousin, the fair catch, is good for little other than an insomnia cure.

I have a better idea. Make the punt a drop-kick that has to bounce at least once behind the line of scrimmage after being kicked. Oh, and make it a live ball, recoverable by either team. And no boring-as-watching-paint-dry fair catches! Now THAT would be fun!
Step 6

Smash the sticks and chains! “Measuring for a first down” is just mind-numbingly boring. If I wanted to watch measuring, I’ll turn on HGTV! You mean to tell me we put a man on the moon almost 40 years ago but we can’t use lasers to instantly tell us whether there is a first down or not?
Step 7

Cull the zebra herd! Here is a test. Quick. Without googling, tell me, right now, how many on-field officials there are in football. Time’s up! Did you guess three? You are not even close. Four? Nope. You are not even getting warm. FIVE? Bzzzzt! Wrong!

Believe it or not, in football there are seven, count ‘em, seven (!!) on-field officials. You have a Referee and Umpire. Throw in a Head Linesman. Then sprinkle generously with the Field Judge, Side Judge, Line Judge, and Back Judge. That’s too many zebras! I say cut them down to three (and I am being generous here.) Three on-field officials plus instant replay is more than enough.
Step 8

A safety should be worth eight points. A safety is harder to get than a touchdown and usually more exciting than most touchdowns. Eight points for safeties. Try it, you’ll like it.
Step 9

Bring back the mud! Football these days is too clean. The uniforms stay nice and clean and shiny through an entire game. Come on! If you can still read a lineman’s number after a game on a soggy field has there really been a game at all? You can’t help but wonder, “Is this football or a fashion show”?
Step 10

And how about a 15-yard penalty for any coaches, players, or other personnel caught pacing up and down the sidelines and/or looking concerned. A football coach could be ahead 80-0 in the first half, and what does he do? He paces up and down the sidelines looking gravely concerned. Spare us! Give a first offense the 15-yard penalty. A second offense merits immediate ejection. A third offense would result in a suspension and no post-game ribs for the duration.

NFL and NCAA, there you have it. Adopt these improvements and go conquer the world!

Comments

npd65 said

on 4/23/2009 Some good points on improving the game of football. I agree that the more exciting the play, the more points it should be. A safety is a great accomplishment and are rare. Imagine how much better defenses would play if it was worth 8 points!

dlcass said

on 2/4/2009 Interesting ideas. That trophy is pure sterling silver made by Tiffany & Co. Trust me, it is not off the shelf from WalMart. I could go with loosing the extra point though. Sounds good to me.