How to Know What to Say When Someone Loses a Baby

Expressing sympathies to a friend who has lost a child isn't so difficult if it is heartfelt and honest.

It is hard for most people to imagine what it would be like to experience the tragedy of losing a child. It is important to remember that the bereaved want and need the emotional and physical support of their friends and loved ones, regardless of how small the gesture might be. While it may be difficult to muster up the right words, it is not impossible to express your true feelings and heartfelt support to a person in dire need of compassion and understanding.

Instructions

1. Address the grieving person warmly and with compassion by speaking from the heart and offering your true sympathies. This can be accomplished with something as simple as "I'm sorry for your loss."

2. Refrain from expressing your personal religious beliefs by telling the person that the child is "in a better place" or that the child is "with God." This may be comforting to you, but may offend the parent or sibling of a child who is not religious and does not believe the same things as yourself. Expressions like these are also empty, as they take focus away from the child, don't address the person's state and attempt to lessen the gravity of the person's loss.

3. Tell the person that you are there to support her by saying something as simple as "I'm here for you," or "I'm here if you need anything." Then, give her that support for as long as she needs. Do not put a timetable on this support or, more importantly, the person's grief. It may take a year for the person to adjust to life without the child or it may never happen at all. Do not just offer your support in her time of grief simply because it sounds comforting. If you offer support, continue to extend that offer indefinitely.

4. Offer the person your love and sympathies by telling the person that you love him. The parents want to know and physically see that you love them and support them as their friend. Do not be afraid to express this love by hugging the person as these expressions are very important to the bereaved in his time of need.

5. Express your feelings of loss for the child by relating stories of how the child impacted your life and delivering anecdotes that celebrate the personality and warmth of the child. Refrain from trying to relate the person's loss to a personal loss by voicing personal stories and experiences. It is natural to want to relate to the parents' loss, but this takes focus away from the person and places that focus on you.

6. Refer to the child by name when you speak about her. This will reassure the grieving person that the child will not be forgotten, a legitimate and common fear, and that the child was important and mattered to the people and world around her.

7. Bring small gifts that present other children who have lost a sibling, if any, with an activity. While it is not intentional, other children may be neglected by the bereaved in their time of grief. Do not alter the way in which you speak to these children, especially if they are too young to understand death.

8. Express your feelings in person. Simply speak from the heart and do not think too much about what you will say as you want to be as genuine and sincere as possible.

Tips & Warnings

• Keep statements about God or you own personal religious views brief, simple and limited, should you feel the need to voice them. Remember that your religious views may not be shared.

• Avoid trying to find logic in the situation and never express this type of thinking through statements like "There is a reason for everything" or "God has a reason for doing this." Statements like these, religious or not, are often found to be insulting to a bereaved person who cannot and should not be expected to find a reason for the child's death.

• Refrain from sentiments that emphasize what the person has in their lives -- for example, "You have two beautiful children to consider" or "You can always have another child." While these statements may seem obvious and even truthful, they are insulting to a grieving person and take away from the value of the deceased child's life.

References

• "Surviving the Loss of a Child: Support for Grieving Parents"; Elizabeth B. Brown; 2010
• "The Huffington Post" What to Never do When Someone You Love Loses a Child; Dr. Cara Barker; January 2009