How to Lose a Girlfriend

So, you want to lose your girlfriend, but you're too much of a emotional pacifist to break up with her like a real man, face-to-face. Don't worry: There's an easy way to lose your girlfriend that requires very few social skills. In fact, your lack of them will actually help expedite the process.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Creativity
• Complete lack of shame
• Loud voice

1. Take her to a really nice restaurant--one where the waiter waits 15 minutes to ask if you want a simple drink of water.

2. Rudely ask for a "Glass of water and some sustenance. Anything. A breadstick, a sesame seed, because I am starving here!" Then slam your fist on the table and mumble something about female servers as she walks away.

3. Talk about yourself for at least 15 minutes. Jot down a few notes beforehand in case you feel like you can't fill the time. Note the expression of disinterest on your soon-to-be-ex-GF's face. It should start to turn from disinterest to anger around Minute 11. Keep talking.

4. Play with the silverware when she starts talking about herself, then spin around and look for an HDTV. When you can't find one, ask the waitress if they even get HD in this godforsaken place.

5. Hit on the waitress when she delivers the salad. Don't be too obvious, but do it so your girlfriend notices. Ask for her phone number the next time she comes by. Then, at the end of the dinner, when the check comes, confidently slide it over to your girlfriend and say, "This one's on you!"

6. If none of the above works, just make more really great plans at expensive restaurants. Request that she make the reservations, park the car, pay the bill and tip the valet. If none of that works, you may want to reconsider if you want to break up with this girl!

Tips & Warnings

• The fancier the restaurant, the better. There is something to be said for dashed hopes and crushed expectations.
• Do not try this with a girlfriend who has friends you may want to date. I don't think I need to fill in the blanks here.

Resources

• Forum on losing a girlfriend

[redhoss]

on 10/27/2008 Very interesting. However, I don't have one to try it on.