How to Make People Cry

President Bush summons some tears.

It is important to know how to make people cry in case you ever put in a variety of off-the-wall circumstances. Perhaps you really need this person to cry in order to turn the attention of some sinister guards away, or maybe you have to make someone cry to draw attention to the both of you as a distraction. There is also the possibility that you are a heartless, cruel person who feeds on the tears of others. Whatever your story, here is a step-by-step approach that you may follow to see some tears. If you would like to stop on the step that causes people to cry, you may, but following through with the other steps will only intensify the crying.

Instructions

1. Let the person know that you are reading this article called "How to Make People Cry" for the sole purpose of bringing them to tears. This may hurt the person's feelings enough to cause them to begin crying.

2. Tell the person that their mother and father are both overweight and/or profoundly stupid in a witty or obnoxious way. This may either bring the person into a defensive mood that is optimal for tears, or you may just end up coming off as a stupid jerk. The risk is yours to take.

3. Whip out your onion and knife. Begin chopping up the onion just below the person's nose and eyes. Be warned that this sort of drastic behavior may bring you to tears as well, but it is a risk you have to take if you are serious about making this person cry.

4. If the onion fails, it is time to put the chopped onion in a tubberware container and put the knife safely into the sink. It is important that the person believes you have given up.

5. When the victim is considerably comfortable again, lunge towards them and begin tickling like a maniac. You may walk away with a black eye from one of their flailing limbs, but if you keep up the tickling for long enough then you are sure to see some crying. This is a question of dedication.

6. If the person in question is not ticklish, then it is time to bring out the big guns. Write a letter to the White House posing as your local Republican nominee for Congress requesting President Bush to come campaign on your behalf. Due to the complete lack of Republicans wanting to be seen with the President during this election cycle, you are sure to get a response.

7. Bring the person that you want to see cry with you to President Bush's local campaign event and force them to listen to his speech. The closer you can get, the better. If this doesn't produce tears, then you may have a person lacking the ability to cry on your hands, and therapy should be sought as soon as possible.

Tips & Warnings

• A good cry can be healthy for people every once in a while. If the person seems angered or saddened by your quest to make them cry, educate them on the health benefits of crying and assure them that you only want what's best for them.

• Always be sure that you really want to make the person in question cry before following these steps. Making someone cry can permanently affect your relationship with that person.

Resources

• Read this Article in Spanish
• Why Onions Make People Cry According to the Government
• Thirty Saddest Songs of All Time According to Walrus Magazine