How to Deal With an Insecure Person

Dealing with an insecure person can be difficult.

Insecurity occurs when a person lacks self-confidence. Most people are insecure about something. Some people, however, are insecure so often and about so much that it shapes the way they interact with other people every day. Whether they are insecure about their appearance, their intelligence, their skills and talents, or their power to be heard, they may let their insecurity rule their lives. Dealing with an insecure person can be difficult, both because insecurity can be hidden, and because nothing you can do seems to make the person regain self-confidence.

Difficulty:

Challenging

Instructions

1. Avoid reassuring the person. Telling her repeatedly, "You're so pretty" or "I don't know why you think you're not smart, you're always so clever" will usually only make her more anxious and dig in her heels about being inferior. She may argue with you, tell you you're just biased, or otherwise discount your feedback and opinion. This can hurt your feelings and insult you and lead to conflict between the two of you.

2. Avoid offering suggestions for improvement. If the insecure person constantly complains about being too fat, or having no ambition, or not being able to influence the people in his life, you may be tempted to offer him advice. But saying "I heard about this great diet," or "Have you thought about going back to school?" or "Why not just talk to him about it?" will have the opposite effect from what you intend. Insecure people usually already know how they could improve their lives, but have decided, whether truthfully or falsely, that for whatever reason, they can't.

3. Ignore insecure statements like "I hate my nose!" or "He'll never look at me twice." By neither validating them with advice nor countering them with argument you avoid compelling the insecure person to defend--and thus reinforce--her insecurities.

4. Encourage the person to talk about his insecurities when he is not showing evidence of being in an insecure mood. "Hey, I saw that woman give you a look yesterday. Why didn't you ask her out?" may give him a chance to assess the situation again, not while he is feeling self-doubt, but while he is feeling good about himself. He may say, "She wouldn't ever look at me." But if you don't argue with him, but just let him talk it out and think about his own words, he will begin to assess the situation from a more confident perspective.

5. Don't expect to be able to solve the problem for the person. Insecurity does not disappear overnight, and insecurity cannot be fixed from the outside. You and a thousand other people can tell a person she is attractive, but unless she believes it herself first, she will not believe any of you. However, try simply nudging her toward seeing what a great person she is without triggering any of her defenses, and she may, just may, slowly begin to see it herself.

Tips & Warnings

• You can't fix an insecure person, you just have to have patience with them.

• Insecure people can be draining. Limit your time with them.

Resources

• Read this Article in Spanish