How to Apologize Effectively

If you're like most people, you learned to say "I'm sorry" almost as soon as you could talk. When you did something wrong, saying those two magic words was a requirement even if you didn't necessarily mean them. It's easy to apologize, but when you do it automatically without any thought behind what you're sorry for and how you're going to change it, it's useless. In this article, you'll learn how to acknowledge what you did wrong, accept responsibility, and most important, how to fix the damage if possible and how to prevent future incidents.

Instructions

1. When you say "I'm sorry," make sure that you spell out exactly what you did wrong. Kids are taught to say "I'm sorry" every time they misbehave, but usually they're just reciting the words without any real meaning. Do you think a child who snuck half a dozen chocolate chip cookies before dinner is really sorry? The only thing he might regret is getting caught or perhaps getting a tummy ache. You might automatically say "I'm sorry" when you bump into someone, but do you truly look at her? Do you really feel much remorse?When you're saying "I'm sorry" to your partner, you need to show that you know what you're sorry about. Make your apology specific: "I'm sorry that I promised to take you to that play and forgot to buy the tickets. Because I forgot, they were sold out by the time I finally remembered and I know how upset that made you feel."

2. Let the other person know how you'll prevent a similar problem in the future. Knowing what you did wrong is fine, but it's likely to keep happening if you don't come up with an action plan. For example, you can't turn back time to buy the sold-out tickets, but you can say, "From now on when I need to remember something important like this, I'll create an event my online calendar and set a reminder on my cell phone. That way I'll get two reminders in case one doesn't work."

3. Try to minimize the damage. You might not be able to repair it completely, but there may be ways that you can make it up to the other person. For example, you can say, "I know we're going to miss the play while it's here in town, but it's playing at a theater in a town 120 miles away next month and the tickets haven't gone on sale yet. Why don't we set up a nice little overnight trip there. We can have a nice dinner, see the show, and spend the night at a hotel."Even if your partner doesn't want to do the new plan, it will show her that you cared enough to come up with an alternate. If she says no, ask her, "Is there something else you'd like to do or some other way that I can make this up to you?" She may have a suggestion, or she might just prefer to let it drop. Either way, you've made the offer.

4. Ask the other person if there's anything else he needs from you. It's fine to come up with a plan, but that might not be what he wants or needs in order to be able to fully forgive you. Sometimes you'll come up with an elaborate solution, when all he really needs is a hug and a promise that it will never happen again.

Tips & Warnings

• Even when you've done everything right, the other person might not be ready to forgive you. Don't push him. Let him move to forgiveness in his own time. You can't control his feelings; you can only control how you respond to those feelings. When you know that you've apologized in the most effective way possible, let go of the frustration if your partner doesn't respond in that way that you'd hoped. Pressure will only push him further away. Eventually he'll realize that by refusing to forgive you, he's only hurting himself by prolonging his own negative feelings.