How to Argue With a Partner

Arguing with your partner can build up baggage that negatively affects your relationship. You may both say things that you don't mean and build up more resentment instead of resolving the conflict. By following a few simple steps, you can argue more effectively and come to a healthy resolution without wasting time and energy and driving yourselves farther apart.

Instructions

1. Decide on a common goal. To argue effectively, you have to know exactly that you're arguing about. Otherwise one small issue can blow up into a rehash of everything you've ever done wrong for the past 5 years. When you and your partner see that a conflict is coming on, pause for a moment to set a specific goal. That goal will act as a neutral touchstone that you can return to if things start to get out of hand.For example, you might be arguing because your partner is mad that you come home late from work without calling. At the beginning of the conflict, the two of you need to agree on the specific issue that you're dealing with. In this case, it would be finding ways to remind you to call and to prevent being late in the first place.As things get heated, she might bring something else into the mix. She might say, "You never think about my feelings. Besides not calling, you never remember to get me a card for my birthday or our anniversary." Or maybe you get so frustrated with her that you say, "You don't have any right to say that I'm rude. Last time my friends were over, you just ignored them and went into the kitchen without even saying hello." All of these things might be true, but they have nothing to do with the original issue. If you drag in everything but the kitchen sink, nothing will be resolved and you'll just be adding more baggage that will get trotted out in the next fight.Once you have a neutral goal in place, either you or your partner can return the conversation to it when it starts getting off track. This gives you a way to redirect the argument without putting the other person on the defensive because you can remind them that the goal was mutually agreed upon: "We agreed that our goal is to resolve the problem with my lateness and not calling you. It looks like we've gotten away from that goal. Let's get refocused so we can come to a solution and reach the goal."

2. Use reflective listening. This means that each person gets a turn speaking without interruption. Then the other person must repeat what they think they heard and give their partner a chance to correct it. Once that's done, the process reverses and the other person gets to speak their piece.By reflecting what your partner says, you are forced to really listen and pay attention to his words because you have to reflect them back. This keeps you from tuning out and concentrating on what you want to say next instead of really hearing his side.

3. Focus on facts and "own" your own feelings. Don't make accusations or verbally attack the other person. Instead, give factual examples of their problem behavior and let them know how it affects you. An example might be: "You were late three times last month and didn't call me" (fact). "When that happens, I feel worried and insecure" (ownership of feelings).Communicating with facts and "I" statements won't make the other person feel defensive like this would: "You're always late! You're so rude and you could care less how you hurt me."

4. If things start to stall and get stuck, reverse sides and argue your partner's viewpoint. If you seem to be going around in circles, agree to switch sides. Each of you will take a turn putting yourself in the other person's shoes and arguing their position. This promotes empathy and helps you understand their position, even if you don't necessarily agree with it.

5. Agree to disagree. Too many couples make the mistake of thinking that resolving a fight means that both people have to come to the same viewpoint. This usually means that someone admits to being wrong and changes their position, which can lead to stored resentment. A fight doesn't have to be about right and wrong. Each person can have a valid but differing viewpoint. Once both people can acknowledge that, they can move forward with a solution without changing their view.For example, let's say that the person who forgets to call when he's running late feels that it's not a big deal because he's never more than 15 or 20 minutes late. His partner thinks it's inconsiderate because even though it's just a short time, he could still have gotten into an accident and she has no idea whether he'll be 10 minutes or 2 hours late until he walks in the door.He can still think it's silly and she can still think it's important; that doesn't have any effect on coming up with a solution. The only thing a couple has to agree on is the end goal. Then they can focus on how to get there without judging each other's position.

Tips & Warnings

• Practice reflective listening and owning your feelings in "normal" conversations. It can be hard to remember to do those things under pressure. If you practice them with non-threatening topics, it will be easier to use the new skills when you're under stress.

• Write down "Fair Fighting Rules" based on the steps in this article. That will give both of you a neutral guide to refer to during arguments.

• Don't expect to argue perfectly right away. It takes time to learn how to argue effectively. Just try to get a little better each time and build on the progress.