How to Determine Which Desperate Housewife You Are
Ah, Wisteria Lane, home of big, bland houses at the ends of curving, wide drives. It's also the home of television's most extreme archetypes and, odds are, you fit into one of them quite tidily. The murders, blackmailing and habitual illegal conniving of "Desperate Housewives" aside, these women are not so different from you and I. Take this quick personality test to determine which of the desperate housewives you most resemble.
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Instructions
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Think Jung. That's Carl Jung. He's the psychologist who tells us that every human being has her basic, innate themes in life. Fighting them is like fighting destiny, so why not give your life over to the script writers and see what they have in store for you. Understanding yourself is as simple as listening to the "Desperate Housewives" dead Mary Alice wryly intone the inevitable: "Every morality play has its cast of characters. There is always an innocent victim...a deceitful villain...a prosecutor who seeks the truth...a magistrate that dispenses justice...and a lawyer who charges too much."
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Consider how you react in situations. If you are the type to stumble through life, it's a good bet you are a Susan Mayer desperate housewife. She's the accident-prone yet somehow lovable goof, who keeps looking for love in all the wrong-turned right-then-wrong-again places. She's the hopeless romantic who laments, "Every time we went out for pizza you could have said, 'Hey, I once killed a man.'"
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Analyze how you respond to men. "Desperate Housewives" Gabrielle Solis is the suburbanite version of "Sex and the City"'s Samantha Jones. Gabi ignited season one by bedding her lawn boy while her hubby was at work. She exudes sultry cool, and men go mad over her perceived inaccessibility. She uses her assets to get what she wants, and she wants a lot, as revealed in the episode where she demanded, "I want a sexy little convertible! And I want to buy one, right now!"
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Reflect on the state of your home life. Is it an exercise in chaos theory? if so, your suburban soul sister, Lynette Scavo, has something to tell you about trying to balance parenting, marriage, friendship and work: "You know, our mothers were smart. They didn’t get us nannies or put us in day care, because they knew, if they did, we’d find out--there are other women out there who were better mothers than they were!"
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Question yourself. Do you yearn for the beautiful life? Do you envision yourself in the midst of a spread for "House and Garden?” If you seek the whole fairytale--the dashing prince, the designer castle full of Eames chairs, and a treasure chest of gold to maintain it all—you are living the life of "Desperate Housewives" Bree Van de Kamp. Just don't follow the example of the Martha-Steward-on-steroids perfectionist by dating the guy that does away with your dashing prince and swapping the designer castle for a psychiatric ward. Hey, at least you set an impeccable table.
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Tips & Warnings
"Desperate Housewives" narrator Mary Alice gives us the best reason for knowing ourselves: "In the end, most people decide to trust only themselves. It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned."
Don't take psychoanalysis to seriously. Consider Bree Van de Kamp's perspective on Freud: "Oh, who cares what he thinks. I took psychology in college. We learned all about Freud. A miserable human being."
