How to Build Rapport With a Boyfriend's Mother
If you are in a relatively new relationship with your boyfriend, you may still be getting to know his family and friends. Establishing a cordial relationship with his mother can really make a difference in the long run.As this is an early stage, you are in a sense still being wooed by your boyfriend, and he has probably coached, cajoled and threatened his immediate family to play nice so you are more likely to keep seeing him. This is not always the case, but if you are dating someone who is not an orphan, you will be running a kind of gauntlet in meeting all the people in his family. Meeting his mother is the first big step. Brush your hair and be ready.
- Difficulty:
- Moderate
Instructions
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1
Remember that this is not a job interview. Unless your boyfriend and his family are very religious or very conservative, you should not feel you have to be very formal or rigid. Suggest meeting over a casual meal or even just for coffee or tea to lessen the pressure. It is impossible to talk during a movie, and playing tennis or other competitive sports is not really a good idea for the first meet-and-greet. Do you want to lose?
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2
Dress nicely, but not in a sexy way. You already have a boyfriend, so leave the plunging necklines and skintight sweaters for another time. You don’t need to wear a wimple and nun’s habit, but cover your body appropriately. This is especially true if your boyfriend has brothers or other male relatives (like his father) who will be there.
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3
Bring a small gift. It could be an apple pie you baked, a small book you thought was funny or a small rose geranium. Do not bring anything pricey or showy: this is just a first meeting. Wrap the gift nicely. Old-fashioned manners dictate that every time you visit someone's home, you bring a small gift. It need not be grand, only thoughtful.
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4
Smile. Gauge his mother's level of comfort and maybe give her a small, brief hug as you present your small gift. Shaking hands is usually too formal. Ask your boyfriend’s mother how she would like to be addressed. Some will say they prefer being addressed formally as Mrs. X, Dr. X, or the like. If she is more informal, ask by what name she likes to be called--Susan or Sue, for example. Use that exact name every time you address her.
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5
Allow her to ask you questions. While this is not a job interview, she is naturally curious who this woman is who has caught her son’s attention. Answer truthfully and steer away from any questions you are not comfortable with. You certainly do not have to disclose how much money you earn, for example.
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6
Keep your sense of humor. Most mothers are a little bit “jealous” of their son’s girlfriends in some way. After carrying a living creature in your belly for 9 months, you might understand why this is so. Avoid making any comparisons between yourself and your boyfriend’s mother in any way. You are not encouraging any competition, so what’s the point?
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7
Observe how your boyfriend interacts with his mother. If they have a reasonably healthy relationship, watching this family dynamic is worth double the price of admission. Every son who treats his mother like gold is probably going to extend similar behavior to his future partner.
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8
Keep your confidence up. No matter how it goes during this first meeting, be confident. No mother likes to share her son’s attention with another woman. Progressive mothers understand that their sons mature to seek out partners. This is a rite of passage. At least you do not have to bring a dowry or fast before this meeting. If you have done a good job in selecting your boyfriend, he will be there to make this as painless as possible.
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9
Take the pressure off. You are not seeking overt "approval" from your boyfriend's mother so much as gauging how well you fit into the larger family unit. This is simply the friendship phase. You are not committing yourself to the long term--yet.
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1
Tips & Warnings
Ask for recipes. This is a no-brainer. Before any major holiday, ask your boyfriend's mother for advice on how to bake, broil or cook, a turkey, mashed potatoes or baked ham. She may invite you over for dinner to show you how. Pay attention.
