How to Deal With Competitive Siblings

Do you have fuzzy memories of someone holding your head under water in the ocean when you were 7 years old? Could that have been your older brother or sister? Welcome to the boot camp of childhood: all those who survive it have the skills to tackle almost anything else in life.If your adult brother or sister still finds ways to undermine you verbally at family gatherings, or is simply not kind to you, there are things you can do to keep the peace.

Instructions

1. Start by reminding yourself that every family has its interesting dynamics: sibling rivalry is a kind of Darwinian means to toughen us up to face the demands of the rest of the unfriendly world. Theories about birth order have gained some media attention, but may not hold much currency for you (depending if you are the first born, pegged as the achiever, or middle, “forgotten child,” or the youngest brat who got away with murder). Realize that most families have had their share of childhood strife--you are not alone.

2. Do not allow yourself to get drawn into dramas. If you are planning to attend a large Thanksgiving gathering where all your extended family will attend, anticipate what your competitive sibling might do.

3. Keep your cool. You are no longer a child. One hallmark of adulthood is the ability to observe yourself dispassionately and not allow your shadow side to take over. Do not allow your dark alter ego to pour wine in your sister’s lap at dinner.

4. Keep a sense of humor. Very few people move through childhood without visible or deeper scars. Learn to laugh at your siblings' obvious attempt to get your anger to flare or to make you jealous over a trifle. Do not waste your energy this way.

5. Cultivate allies. This does not mean recruiting your two other siblings to gang up on the offending sibling. That would be called third-grade behavior. Instead, talk to your partner, friend or other sympathetic party to get some perspective. Didn’t everyone suffer at one point at the hands of a brother, sister or next door childhood friend?

6. Be gracious in every case, especially when the dinner table during holidays can become a pressure cooker and the family dynamics have regressed 30 years. Do not allow yourself to be disrespected and do your best to stay above it all.

7. Scoop up your child or your partner by the hand and simply choose to walk outside for a breath of air. Inhale deeply: it is smell of sweet freedom. By relinquishing your need to control others, you can ultimately give yourself freedom from frustration.