How to Survive Holiday Family Stress

Holidays test our patience in many ways: waiting like a taxi for your family to climb into the car as you head to the airport, or later as you round up all your children to eat a fancy meal at a stuffy restaurant. What could go wrong? Everything, and you don’t want to stress out.

Instructions

1. Set limits on what you are able to do. If you are married and have children and family scattered across several states, don’t volunteer to organize a 20th high school reunion, bake brownies for your daughter’s choir bake sale, take your son to soccer practice every day, and alter the drapes in the living room the week before Thanksgiving. You and what army would do this?

2. Shed the Super Woman cape. If your family is accustomed to seeing you rise before dawn to power walk and stay up late polishing the silver, tell them that does not make it OK to surprise you with a last-minute request to have two of their friends sleep over. They must put their request in writing five full business, er, school days in advance and offer to do all the kitchen chores for that week to boot. Warn them if they invite last-minute dinner guests between Oct. 1 and Jan. 1, each of them will vacuum and do laundry for a week for each surprise guest.

3. Bargain with demanding family members, and do not agree to do anything that endangers your mental health. If Thanksgiving is spent at home, this might mean flying out to see your parents for Christmas and hiring a pricy nanny to watch your two precocious teen-agers while you and your partner escape for a long weekend to celebrate the New Year holiday. Cajole the elders in your tribe to let you cater a holiday meal if 45 people of the extended clan have confirmed they will attend. Who has time to make a bathtub fullof mashed potatoes and gravy and roast 7 turkeys and bake 7 hams?

4. Exercise every day. Make this non-negotiable. Tell everyone that the endorphins released by exercising are a drug that you cannot live without. Aside from burning the extra calories from “taste testing” recipes of corn bread and flan you’ve made for nine years, the exercise will help you blow off steam. Aim for 30 minutes per day. In a crunch, walk for 10 minutes after each meal or simply walk to the nearest grocery store with an empty backpack and tell your family you will be gone for an hour to shop and walk back.

5. Buck the commercialism of the holidays. Some large families draw names out of a hat and make, recycle, or purchase a gift for the person they select. Other families chose a charity or other non-profit and donate money to that group. For very young children, you could still indulge in the tradition of writing a letter to Santa Claus and requesting one grand gift per child for herself and one grand gift for a needy child.

6. Delegate. If you have older children, assign tasks. Supervise them as they prepare one holiday meal or trim the Christmas tree or prepare foods for a seder. On Christmas day, older children can be put on clean-up crew to clear wrapping paper and divide soda cans, plastic bottles and cardboard boxes into recycling bins. Or, ask them to clean out closets and donate the clothes and shoes they no longer wear to a charity. Declutter your home and genuinely help others by doing so.

7. Expect delays, family dramas and small crises to occur. Especially if you are traveling, bring a carry-on bag with a change of clothes, healthy snacks, non-perishable foods such as healthy dried soups, and bottled water. Bring ear plugs. Buffered aspirin. Vitamin C packets that dissolve into fizzy drinks. Chocolate.

8. Put out the large fires first. If a holiday meal is getting ugly with heated arguments, decide what is best for you: a lap around the block with your cousin or partner? Or a backyard chat with your mother? Walk the dog and remember that while the holidays can be times of duress and high drama, the conflicts are temporary stress that will not last forever.

9. Return to the party ,and have another glass of wine, or draw your daughter near for a hug. Holiday stress can be managed if you remember that your family is safe and able to gather and celebrate.