How to Help Teenage Girls Accept Their Differences

Teenage girls face pressure from every direction as they begin to mature. In the end, however, most of it comes from themselves and each other.

For most teenage girls, "fitting in" is incredibly important. While they may wish to excel at sports or other extracurricular activities, even these desires are largely influenced by the opinions of their friends and peers. It is particularly important at this period in a teenage girl's life that she learn to accept and even enjoy at least some of the things that make her unique. If she is able to do so, you will find that she has a built-in resistance to peer pressure and an ability to stand by unpopular decisions that a less secure girl may not have.

Instructions

1. Encourage her to pursue personal interests. Girls with strong extracurricular interests have an easier time accepting their differences because they are often able to see a direct, positive effect of those differences in their extracurricular activities. To cite a classic example, strong athletes may have a much easier time turning down offers to drink or party late because they see immediate and positive results in their training as a result of these decisions. Fitness can also help girls feel better about their bodies because even if they do not fit a cookie-cutter stereotype, they will know that their bodies work well and get important things done that earn them positive results and general approval.

2. Praise her differences early. Long before your teenager is a teenager, you should be praising her for her differences. Things that you may notice early should be brought into a positive light to encourage her to see herself in the same light. Physical differences are often the most grating on teenage girls, so if you notice attributes that will likely be "different" about her as she ages—extreme height, freckles or bright red hair—start praising them early so that she will see them in the same light. Teenagers are a lot like sharks in that they will be drawn to "blood in the water" and attack each other where they are weakest. If these physical differences are not a weak point for your daughter, then she will likely never have serious social issues stemming from them. As a result, she will be less likely to succumb to the teenage temptation to do anything to "fit in."

3. Speak positively about the effect she has on other people. Note the way that she interacts with people and praise her for her positive effect on them. For example, if she explains things to a younger sibling that he does not understand, you might say, "One of the things that I have always liked about you is the way that you can make complicated things seem simple. You have a really unique talent for that and Johnny is really lucky to have you." The notion that people are lucky to have her around will help her deal in a positive way with things that make her special.

4. Help her set goals. Having clear goals that are short-term and long-term will help your daughter define herself in more than one way. If she is entirely wrapped up in the present of high school, even if she enjoys her time there, she runs the risk of being "lost" when she graduates and not knowing how to utilize her differences to help herself succeed. Once she has some goals, you can evaluate how best to achieve them and in the process she will see how her unique characteristics will help her get the things that she wants out of life.

5. 

   Allow her to experiment with her appearance. While piercings and other permanent body alterations may be unacceptable to you, coloring hair and trying out different, age-appropriate clothing styles should not be discouraged. Otherwise, your daughter may feel that you yourself do not want her to be "different," and this can lead to serious rebellion and major physical alterations as well as depression.

Tips & Warnings

• Dealing with teenager girls can be difficult, so do your best to be empathetic. However, you cannot allow your love and sympathy to cloud your judgement. If you think that your daughter is seriously depressed or otherwise suffering from her dislike of her own differences, you may need to take more drastic action. Pretending everything is okay will only make her feel worse in the long run. Let her know that you love her and you want to help her resolve the situation so that she can be productive and happy.

• Encourage her to start out slowly with appearance alterations so that she does not end up with a look she does not like. For example, try hair extensions or highlights before going all pink, since it is much easier to go forward than backward when it comes to dyeing your hair.