How to Help Children Cope With Family Member's Mental Illness

When a family member is diagnosed with a mental illness, it is a devastating blow to adult relatives. It is even more bewildering for children. You must walk a fine line of protecting the child's innocence and being honest. Explaining behavior which seemingly has no rational explanation is tough. The first step is to not shield or protect the child too much. He must be prepared for the different and alarming ways the disease may manifest itself. He should also be cautioned about the cruel things others may say or do once the family "secret" is out of the bag.

Instructions

1. Be frank. Give the child developmentally-appropriate information about the disease his loved one is suffering from. Make sure the information is from a qualified source or organization to prevent disseminating misinformation.

2. Start a dialog. Some kids will have lots of questions, but others will retreat within themselves. You'll want to elicit something from him. Ask him if he has any questions when you give your initial explanation. Assure him that there is always someone in his corner who will listen to him, comfort him and be his ally.

3. Resist the urge to protect too much. You can't really "protect" a child from diseases such as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. Your natural inclination may be to do so, but you're actually crippling the child's ability to process what's going on around him.

4. Find other families who are going through a loved one's mental illness. The National Alliance for Mental Health (NAMI) can point you in the right direction. See the link in our Resources section to be connected to this great organization.

5. Try to find a way to allow the family member and child's relationship to grow and even blossom. The child must find a way to separate the mom, dad or sibling from the disorder his loved one is afflicted with.

6. Reinforce that he can't take strange behavior or awful words personally. The child must understand that it's the disease talking, not the family member. In addition, he must not try to over-analyze the behavior. Delusions and hallucinations are not reasonable forms of behavior. There is just no explanation.

7. Seek counseling. If the child is struggling, have him talk to a good professional. Not all "professionals" are equal. Take some time to find someone you can trust and ask around for someone who has experience working with children.

8. Let the child know that he need not be afflicted with a mental illness simply because his relative has one.

9. Instill the ability to react assertively to humiliation, insults and threats. If a child is confronted by a taunting peer, teach him or her that it is not alright to react defensively, violently or to take it personally. The words will hurt, but the child can't wear the damage on his sleeve. The best thing to do is to ignore it, walk away and rise above.

10. Mold a young educator. If given the right tools, the child will actually become a teacher, informing kids and adults alike of the myths and facts related to mental illness.

11. Educate adults who are often around the child. They should be aware of what's going on.

12. Let him get angry. It's only natural to get angry. This would be enough to make anyone angry, and anger is just part of the natural grieving process.

13. Don't lament about what could have been. The child should not wallow on the past relationship. Mental illness can pose a tremendous challenge, but it can also create opportunity to strengthen relationships through adversity and make everyone involved more tolerant, open-minded and compassionate of others.

Tips & Warnings

• Develop an exit strategy. Have a plan when a loved one starts to behave strangely. Not only must you monitor the adult's health, but you must monitor the child's. Have a neighbor or close friend watch the child during a distressing situation.

• Don't leave a child alone with someone who suffers severe mental illness. The child's health and very life may be in danger if you do.

Resources

• National Alliance of Mental Illness -- Information about disorders and support groups
• Mental Health Association of Southern Pennsylvania -- A site designed for children whose family members are suffering from mental illness to, among other things, share their stories and read about others