How to Apologize to a Son or Daughter

As a parent, you're well aware that you serve as a role model for your children. The last thing you'd want is to undermine your own authority with your children, lose their respect,. But sometimes you mess up. You may have spoken too harshly to your son. You may have promised your daughter something that you cannot deliver. You may have been late, hasty or rude, or given him misinformation, or other mistakes in dealing with your children.You want to apologize as you would to an adult, but how do you do that without undermining your standing with your daughter? Too often, an apology delivered the wrong way will only anger your child or incite them to rebel and test your limits.Here you will learn that it is possible to apologize to your kids while still keeping your relationship with them intact. Apologizing does not have to mean losing your child's respect.

Instructions

How to Apologize to a Son or Daughter

1. Figure out ahead of time what you want from your child. Forgiveness? An apology from your son as well? Too many off-the-cuff apologies end up turning into accusations. Make sure you are not using the apology to ease your own sense of guilt or to blame somebody else. Many apologies also end up turning into demands for the other person to apologize. Apologies must be given freely or they are worth very little. Using an apology to bribe or blackmail your child to apologize to you is not an effective way of teaching her to apologize for her own mistakes.

2. Figure out your approach, keeping in mind the tension between you and your son. A joking approach to an apology may not be appropriate with your kids, particularly if it leaves them wondering if you really meant it. A grim, frowning approach may cause them to feel hostile at the beginning and resist listening to you. At the same time, a humble, guilty approach is likely to cause them to feel they have the upper hand and renew whatever power struggle may have been going on between you. Any dramatic, confrontational approach has its problems. In the end, be calm, and don't be a drama king. Ask for a private meeting, and try to be as natural as possible.

3. Go with your daughter to a quite, private room. You don't want to put on a show for other people. You especially don't want your child to think that this is going to be a power play. Having an audience present during an apology tends to give that impression.

4. Don't beat around the bush. Say, "I'm sorry for X."

5. Avoid adding conditions, excuses or anything else. Although you've already prepared yourself not to do that, you may be surprised how tempting it is. "I only did it because of X..." or "I'm really sorry for what I said. It's just that you were aggravating me..." or "I'm sorry, but you've been a pest today..." are not the best approaches. You want to teach your children that you are human and make mistakes. This is an important lesson for them to learn, not just about you, but about themselves. Making excuses for your mistakes only makes you look as though you're not owning up to them.

6. Explain to your son that you made a mistake and must own up to it, although it's not easy for you. Explain that there are always consequences for mistakes, but that people must learn to recover from them and move on.

7. Ask your child's forgiveness, if you want it and think you deserve it. Do not pressure the child. Explain that it is his or her decision whether to forgive you. Tell her she can think about it if she wants to and get back to you later.

8. Conclude by a return to normalcy. Talk about something innocuous. Get back on a normal footing. When you're done, know that you have have turned a negative encounter into something that taught both of you something, and in the end, likely improved your relationship.