How to Establish Boundaries in a Dysfunctional Family

Good fences make good family members!

Being a part of a dysfunctional family brings unique challenges that are not easily resolved. When raised in a dysfunctional family, children are taught to ignore their own feelings and needs. They are not taught to set boundaries since boundaries would infringe on the needs of the dysfunctional family that raises them. As an adult, the person raised in a dysfunctional family becomes an insecure adult who is unable to command or enforce basic respect from others. This can be corrected by learning how to set boundaries. Setting boundaries as an adult is difficult, but possible and highly rewarding.

Instructions

1. Decide to put yourself first. Before you can successfully face the challenges involved in setting boundaries, you must be committed to living your life for you and putting yourself first.

2. Determine what your boundaries are. Think about all the different behaviors you encounter within your dysfunctional family and that you don't want to permit any longer. Choose those behaviors that most upset you and effect your self esteem. Write down the behaviors you will not allow around you or participate in.

3. Decide how you will allow yourself to be treated and let yourself know it's okay to demand to be treated that way. You do not have to accept family members who talk down to you, insult you or use you. Determine which of these treatments or others you will allow and which you won't.

4. Commit “you time” to yourself. Choose days or times when you will be off limits to your family. You can write these times and days in your calendar book so that you feel more committed. Shut off your phone and do not answer your door during your “off limits" time. Don't make plans with your family during this time, and tell your family you have plans if they ask. Remember that you don't owe them an explanation.

5. Develop consequences to unacceptable behavior. Treat your boundary-overstepping family members like young children. Let them know what the consequences are to their behavior and then enforce it. Don't speak to them in a patronizing manner, simply state, “If you do X, I'll react by doing Y.” Do not be wishy-washy. For your boundaries to be recognized, you must enforce them.

Tips & Warnings

• Stick to your guns and know you deserve to be treated right.

• This will not be easy, and you may lose family members along the way.