How to be a Hill Person (Hill Billy)

To some of us, this comes naturally. The rest of you may need a little inspiration to get in touch with your inner redneck.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• t-shirt
• clay whiskey jug
• tobaccy
• tick dog
• wheels (for your house)
• car parts (lawn decor)
• overalls or bibs
• boots, any kind

1. 
   Don't forget the eye shadow! Stick with lilac or baby blue.

   Hill Person Guide to Clothing. Out with all that fancy smancy name brand attire, and in with all the promo t-shirts and stuff that come as prizes with beer, cigarettes, and tires. Look for Marlboro, Kool, Busch, PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon), and NASCAR. All staples for a Hill Person closet. Oh, don't forget the boots. I suggest combat, cowboy, or work boots, all worn out to the point that most people would chuck them. Additional accessories could include: cap advertising fishing bait/tackle or livestock feed, earrings for the ladies (great big dangles of course), and anything that is plaid flannel.

2. 
   Learn from the masters.

   Hill Person Vocab Guide. Use "got" instead of "have" and slur words together. "Gunnew" is a good word to adopt right away. I'm gunnuew tell you why. It is easier to say than "going to." Listen to Jeff Foxworth or Larry the Cable Guy to increase your Hill Person vocabulary.

3. 
   Check local ordinaces to see if goats and sheep can be considered

   Landscaping. Here you can really save some bucks during these hard economic times. The very first thing you MUST do is stop mowing the lawn. Do it now! Next, visit a salvage yard or just keep your eyeballs peeled on garbage day. Invest in old tires (you can usually get these for free), toilets (beautiful when filled with flowers), random wood and scrap metal. For the big focal point, you really need a car. Something from the 80's, I am thinking, with a lot of rust, broken windshield and peeling paint. Put a "For Sale" sign in the window or tell people you are fixing it up so "Janie kin drive hertself over theret to the school house, and do her lurnin."

4. 
   Got myself sum of that dadgum kalli-mary.

   Fine Dining. Grocery items must include lots of hot dogs (make sure "parts" is listed as an ingredient), Moon Pies, RC Cola, beer, chili, Spam, Vienna Sausages, pickled eggs and the biggest bags of dog food you can find. When you dine out as a family, keep in mind many bars and taverns serve a variety of Hill People appropriate food.

Tips & Warnings

• Keep yur mind open to guns and dogs.
• This is an addictive lifestyle!
• Building stills should be left up to those who really know how to do it.

[khristal23]

on 2/19/2009 Very funny article. So true! I know plenty of "hillbillies"

[tcady]

on 1/7/2009 Funny, great article!

[shannonny]

on 10/21/2008 Durn you! My granpa come from Arkansas and shot squirrell as a young boy. I grew up hearin at squirrell pie tastes gooduz chicken pie, and possum sure do in a pinch. But no Sunny best? Wutcha gunna wearra meetin?

[iamageniuster]

on 10/21/2008 Nice article. 5 stars!

[veryirie]

on 10/16/2008 HaHa The heels on them boots gotta be paper chip thin for you chuck em! Get yersef over to Starvin Marvins for the possum special. (Great article!)