How to Deal With a Domineering Mother-in-law
Ahhh, the sound of a chainsaw softly buzzing in the far distance reminds you of---oops, no, that’s the sound of your mother-in-law downstairs barking orders at someone. Welcome to the Wonders of Married Family Dynamics 101: How to Play Nice with In-laws. Didn’t you think being married meant you would have more time to spend with your partner and grow and bond as a couple? Why didn’t anyone mention that it was not about making room for one person in your bed but his entire family? If your mother-in-law is an Alpha woman who could bench press her body weight, make a 10-course dinner for 25 single-handedly and come ahead in a bearish stock market, how lucky you are. Learn how to tame the tiger and not get hurt.
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Instructions
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Begin by setting clear boundaries. No matter what, do not allow yourself to become a doormat. Do not agree to do anything that you are not comfortable doing. Choose your battles. Decide with your partner which holidays will be spent in which cities and with which branch of the family clan: be fair. No one wants to hop on airplanes for the holidays but there are times you cannot avoid it.
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Learn to observe and hold your tongue. You might be surprised to see that you can actually do this, albeit the Herculean effort it requires to not yell when you enter your kitchen to find your mother-in-law pulling a 12 lb. ham from your oven, vegan that you are. Inhale. Exhale. Walk across the floor to the refrigerator for ice cubes to place on your burning red cheeks to help calm your fire, so you do not say something you will later regret.
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Realize that your mother was your spouse’s first “partner” and do not ask him to choose between his mother or you. While in some marriages, husbands will side with their wives in a “biblical” fashion, in other marriages, this is a losing battle. She will not live forever, right? Make peace with yourself. You do not have to be with your husband and his mother for every visit, 24/7. That’s called being a nurse, not a daughter-in-law. Carry on.
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Don’t put yourself in the middle. This does not mean you must wait on your mother-in-law hand and foot. It does mean acknowledge that the more you huff and puff when your husband pampers his mother when she comes to visit, the more pleasure this may give her. Take a load off, instead. If she is in town for several days, book a massage for yourself or a plan a tennis game with an old college buddy and win the match, OK? Blow off steam. Return home to order food for dinner and allow the endorphin rush to shield you from any smaller family dramas that may have transpired in your absence.
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Allow your mother-in-law to take center stage at family gatherings. Depending on your cultural traditions, don’t place yourself in a situation where you appear to be competing for attention at family gatherings. For example, at large holiday gatherings, generally the elders are seated at the head of the table. Don’t bow and scrape, but do take in the news from cousins and uncles you have not seen for months. Sip some more heavily spiked eggnog and serve your mother-in-law a hearty second serving, too. No need to be a humbug during the holidays.
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Do not get drawn into any conflicts. People who like to dominate are often unaware that they must control every conversation and take charge of every dilemma they encounter. They have probably spent years doing so. Do not rescue them. Rescue yourself. Find a life safety vest, strap it on and while she is telling everyone how to properly arrange the flowers, carve the ham and brew the coffee, occupy yourself with something else. She is happy to be in control; allow her to be.
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Be gracious. Do not lose your composure. Upon your mother-in-law’s arrival, make sure your husband fetches her from the airport, bearing fresh flowers or a small bottle of lavender spray, or a small basket of seasonal fruit. Tame the tiger with sweets and gifts.
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Don’t suffer. Invite other friends and family to cushion the impact of your mother-in-law visit. At family gatherings this will be easy to arrange. The more the merrier as there will be more people to form an audience for her and a shield for yourself. Also, in settings where there are young children, young adults and teenagers, even the most curmudgeonly-mother-in-law is bound to soften. If not, offer her a third cup of eggnog. It might do the trick.
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Tips & Warnings
Do not allow your mother-in-law to push your buttons. Get plenty of exercise and do not hover like a helicopter over her when she comes to visit.
Try to limit your time with her. Meals, a movie, the theater, or a tea at the gardens, fine, but don't allow yourself to be looped into spending an entire day or weekend that is meant to cater to her every whim.
Carve out two- to three-hour blocks of "family time" with her and your husband, and then curtsy as you walk backwards to the nearest door and flee. The idea is to be realistic. Share your time but do not allow anyone to monopolize it.
Tell your husband or partner plainly before your mother-in-law arrives, what the "safe" words are. If you say, "headache" or "nap" that will be the code for your husband to take over and allow you to slip out--from the dinner party--or the golf game--and to meet up a few hours later.
If you have children, do not badmouth your mother-in-law. Children are excellent mimics and this is inviting trouble.
