How to Comfort a Grieving Friend

Sooner or later you may find yourself standing by feeling helpless, as you watch a grieving friend struggle to cope with the death of a child, spouse, sibling, parent or another relative or friend. It's a horrible feeling, not knowing what to do or say or how to treat the person. Everyone grieves differently, so what works for one person may not be the answer for another. Still, there are ways you can offer comfort that are nearly universal.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

1. Observe your friend. Everyone copes with grief in a different way and experiences the stages of grief on a different schedule. Watching your friend to see how he is coping and what he needs at any given point in time is the first step to helping him. What he needs in the initial days following the death may not be the same things he needs from you in four weeks, four months or four years--and yet your friend will still be grieving his loss in his own way.

2. Know the stages of grief. Sooner or later, and each on her own time table, a grieving person goes through a series of five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Denial is the first stage of grief during which your friend will probably still be in shock and disbelief, numb or unable to comprehend that this could possibly be happening. Anger, the second stage, may be directed at God, specific people who are perceived to have caused the death, other people who still have their loved ones alive and well, or anyone who crosses your friend's path. It may be volatile and hostile or more subdued. Your friend may only confide how angry she is to certain people. This second stage also involves feeling frustrated, helpless and hurt and may include jealousy, bitterness, resentment, hatred or fear, as well. Bargaining, the third stage, is where your friend may attempt to negotiate with God or even herself. It is a temporary state during which she is struggling to cope with what must be done. She may say or think things like, "God, if you can just let me live to see my children graduate from high school" or "If I can get through this week, everything will be okay." Depression, the fourth stage, often lasts the longest. It can involve feeling hopeless, absolute despair, disinterest in things your friend normally enjoyed, excessive sleeping, disorganization, difficulty concentrating, real physical pain, sleeplessness and nightmares, shortness of breath or panic attacks, disproportionate fear of things, and many other seemingly unrelated symptoms.Acceptance is the final stage of grief. This is the healing and dealing part of the process, during which your friend will begin to recognize that her life should go on, then start to reorganize her life as it will be without her loved one and start to function in a state that will come to be her new "normal."

3. Share your sorrow. Don't be afraid to cry in front of your friend. You don't always have to be strong. In fact, shared pain can sometimes be easier for your friend to bear. Talk about how much your friend's loved one meant to you if you knew him. Grieve together. Let your friend know his pain is normal and it's human.

4. Offer your consolation. Tell your friend how sorry you are for her loss. Send or hand deliver a handwritten note, sympathy card, flowers or a plant--either to her home, the church or the funeral home. If she is Catholic, have masses said in memory of the loved one. Hug her, hold her or take her by the hand. Words often seem empty at this time, but a touch may have incredible meaning and help draw your friend out of her shell. Give her your shoulder--figuratively and literally--to cry on.

5. Ask how you can help. Let your friend know you are available to him and encourage him to call on you for support, practical help (such as meals or child care, taking him to appointments, going with him to make the necessary arrangements, cleaning his house when he feels incapable, or helping him figure out bills and expenses) and encouragement. If your friend tells you something specific you can do, get right on it. If your friend says, "There's nothing you can do," suggest ways you might be able to help.

6. Listen to what your friend is saying--and what she is not saying. One of the best ways to help is to let her talk--about her pain, her anger, her memories of her loved one, plans she had for her and her loved one that can now never be realized, how she is coping, her fears and new plans for the future and whatever else comes to her mind. Do not interrupt, even if she repeats herself. You will likely hear the same concerns or stories many times. She needs to share them to heal. Never poo-poo anything she says or dismiss it as unimportant. Don't judge her or her feelings. Everyone must experience certain feelings and move through them before they can get past them. Your willing ear day after day or night after night, at 3:00 a.m. when she can't sleep or six months later when she still cannot function, will be more appreciated than you may ever know.

7. Remember that grief is an individual process, different for each person. The way your friend's loved one died--whether after a prolonged illness, suddenly from a heart attack or car accident or as the result of a murder or suicide--may greatly impact the grief process and the length of particular stages in the process for him. Similarly, the age of your friend's loved one at the time of his death will impact the grief and healing process. So will his relationship with the loved one--whether they were close or distant from one another, both physically and emotionally--and how frequently he saw or spoke to the loved one prior to death.

8. Encourage your friend to express herself emotionally--either verbally or in a journal, to take care of herself physically, and to embrace the support she needs. Let her know she shouldn't go through this alone. Share information about support groups in your area and help her seek the assistance of a qualified therapist or counselor if it will benefit her.

9. Stay in touch. While there is usually a flood of sympathy and an outpouring of support initially following a death, in the days and weeks that follow, your friend may be left alone with his grief--and lonely. Call and visit often to see how he is doing. Initially, contact him every day, then at least weekly to keep the lines of communication open. Let him know you're thinking of him. Keep him in your prayers. If yours is a long distance friendship, telephone often and send cards or notes frequently. Plan a visit a few months down the road to give your friend something to look forward to and so you can check (in person) to see how he is doing.

10. Introduce your friend back into the land of the living, but do so gently. Invite your friend to get out of the house one-on-one for coffee or lunch, take her for a walk, help her get out of her bathrobe and into some real clothes, get her outside to sit in the sun on the porch for some fresh air and then gradually introduce her into more social settings with other people as she is ready. For some people experiencing grief, there is a tendency to withdraw from the rest of the world and shut down. While normal, it can sometimes prolong the depression and despair of the grief process.

11. Help your friend commemorate his loved one in a way that is meaningful to him. This may include creating a scrapbook or photo memory album, organizing photos or videos into a slide show or other presentation set to music that can be comforting to watch when he is missing his loved one, donating and dedicating a library book to the local library in memory of the loved one, planting a tree in a park or in the back yard in memory of the loved one, purchasing a Christmas ornament with the loved one's name engraved on it, purchasing or decorating a headstone, making a quilt with scraps of the loved one's clothing, building and dedicating a park bench in the loved one's memory, creating a shadow box with memorabilia or whatever else will have personal significance for him. You could also commission a sketch or portrait of the loved one from a photograph and have it matted and framed as a gift, purchase an angel statue for his garden in memory of the loved one, frame a photograph of the loved one or even cross stitch the likeness of the loved one as a gift and have that framed. It might also include setting up a memorial scholarship or making a donation or helping earn funds to support a particular charity.

12. Love her unconditionally. Grieving friends can sometimes be blunt, difficult to get along with, uncooperative, downright rude, envious and bitter. They may take their pain out on you at times. They may resist your efforts to help. They may resent you and your "perfect" life. At times they may seem to hate you. Remember, that's the pain talking. Don't hold it against her. Who knows how you would--or will--act someday under the same circumstances. Grief is a long, difficult, uncomfortable, painful process. The best way a friend can comfort a grieving friend is to love her as she experiences it and makes her way through it, hopefully to emerge on the other side.

Tips & Warnings

• Many people will experience grief and the process of grief at different stages in their lives, not just directly related to the death of a loved one. Any sort of loss can trigger the grief process: losing a job, a divorce or other breakup, children moving away from home (commonly referred to as "empty nest syndrome"), retirement or the loss of a home due to a natural disaster or fire.
• The loss of a pregnancy--whether through miscarriage, abortion or stillbirth--is also a death and will cause grief for the unborn child's parents, grandparents, siblings and others. You can comfort a friend experiencing this loss in the same way as any other death, according to your friend's needs.
• Never assume or presume how your friend may be feeling. Though you may have experienced a similar loss, always look to your friend to determine what she needs rather than supposing you know. Your grief experience may be similar, but it may also be very different.
• Comfort and help your friend without expecting a thank you. You may receive one, but it may not come until far down the line. Or the friend may never say it, just assuming you know how grateful she is. In other cases, your friend may be in so much pain that she just can't even think about your feelings at this particular time. Love, comfort and help her anyway.
• If a grieving friend talks about, attempts or threatens suicide, or if you have reason to believe your friend is becoming suicidal, seek help from a professional immediately.

Resources

• A supportive site for someone who is grieving

[taterfay]

on 8/16/2009 Great article! My sister was murdered in 2005 and I could tell that many friends and family members just had no idea what to say or do..they were in as much shock as I was. Thanks for writing this. I think it'll help many people!