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Step 1
First, when you call your boss, sound sick. I’m sure many of you are reading that last sentence and saying to yourself, “Well, duh.” But you’d be surprised how many people call sounding almost giddy; like they can’t wait to get their day of fun started. Instead of sounding sick, they sound like, after hanging up the phone, they are on their way to go parasailing.
So, how do you sound sick? Try talking in a raspy voice. Try imitating Lionel Stander. That man always sounded like he had “The Head Flu.” Cough a few times. Make it sound like the last thing the boss would want is you being anywhere near him or her. Don’t overdo it, though. Anything close to sounding like you are dying could result in your boss requesting a doctor’s note. So, unless you have a doctor in your family, you’re going to get snagged. -
Step 2
Secondly, be creative. Don’t just call saying you have a headache or stomachache. The boss will expect you to take some over the counter medication and be at your place of work promptly. Don’t try to give your name an illness either. Instead, create some interesting symptoms. “I don’t know what I have. I just know that when I woke up this morning, there was something, on my pillow, that looked vaguely like my spleen.” Or, “Whenever I blow my nose, a substance similar to instant Sanka comes out of my ears.” What ever you do, don’t tell your boss that you have “The Head Flu.” That’s mine.
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Step 3
Third, there are some bosses out there who would never believe you were on your deathbed, even if they were sent a Novena. If you have a boss like this, you may have to bring out the heavy artillery. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. So, show up for work early and get yourself in to see the boss as soon as possible. You’ve got to look the part, so, don’t bathe and wear the same clothes you wore the day before. Or, better yet, pull something out of the bottom of the hamper and put it on. When you get into his or her office, explain how much you wanted to be at work. Do this while coughing, wheezing and sneezing. (Helpful Tip: When sneezing, bring out a handkerchief that you have soaked with the stuff that they pack gifelte fish in. Or, as I like to call it, “Filet O’ Phlegm.”)
After seeing this, your boss will beg you to go home. Then, it’s just a matter of getting changed, cleaned up and the rest of the day is yours. The best thing of all is that you’ll only have to do this once, as it will set the stage for any future “call-outs”, since this image will be imbedded in your boss’s subconscious, like the time he walked in on his grandmother taking a shower.
