How to Improve Yourself

September has been declared National Self-Improvement Month, and it's no wonder. With a new school year beginning and the temperature and light hinting at autumn, September's mood is one of anticipation and self-reflection. The carefree, seemingly endless days of summer are behind us, and as we sense winter in the distance, it feels instinctual to turn inward, assess our lives and plan where we want to go next. To me, self-improvement is not about gaining notoriety, earning more money, making friends, losing weight or having better sex. Although these things can be welcome side effects of self-improvement, the most powerful form of self-improvement involves shutting out the noise of the outside world, sorting through society's "shoulds," discovering your personal truth and doing the necessary work to ensure that this truth is protected and manifested through your every breath, word and action. I hope these tips help you improve yourself in ways that fulfill your deepest longings.

Things You'll Need

• A self

Instructions

1. Stop striving. This may sound contradictory, as we usually associate self-improvement with the accomplishment of an outward goal. Striving to achieve, however, is often the very thing that inhibits us from genuine personal growth. Only when we stand still and stop reaching for things that the outside world tells us we must have--such as specific material possessions, character traits and lifestyle markers--can authentic self-improvement begin.

2. Act from the inside out. A girl friend of mine occasionally has to perform presentations for her job. She despises speaking before a group and finds herself in a pit of panic and despair for weeks before her talks. My friend says she wants to improve her public speaking skills because she doesn't want to "look stupid" in front of her fellow employees. While not making a fool of oneself is a fair desire to have, I think my friend is approaching her dilemma from the wrong angle. Her problem is not that she is a poor public speaker; her problem is that she believes her knowledge and perspective are unworthy of being spoken out loud. If my friend truly wants to be more comfortable during her work presentations, she must dive deeply inside herself and heal the wounds that cause her to believe that her perspectives are not valid. She must also acknowledge that she does possess expertise in her field and embrace the truth that her ideas will enhance the workplace. Once she does this, her public speaking ability will naturally improve.

3. Begin with your tiniest actions. Ask yourself, "How can I exhibit the improvements I want to make to myself in small ways?" In other words, how can you experience joy while breathing? How can you radiate success while walking across the street? How can you show love while standing in line at the grocery store? We tend to think that our personality displays itself only in our big, overt actions, but the truth is our character successes and failures announce themselves just as loudly in our smallest movements and quickest glances. The way you do anything is the way you do everything.

4. Mold the world around you; do not mold to the world. When it comes to self-improvement, too much attention is placed on improving our weaknesses, while too little is given to cultivating our strengths. Exceptional parenting and solid education encourage children to listen to their inner guidance and pursue activities they naturally enjoy. Unfortunately, most of us are products of average parenting and lazy education in which it is easier and more efficient to force individuals to conform to a system than it is to shape a system around varying individual needs. The lively child is told she needs to be quiet, the quiet child is told he needs to speak up. These kids then spend their lives squelching their innate tendencies in hopes of becoming "better" human beings. Take a woman I recently met, for example. This woman spent a greater part of her adult life working in a white-collar financial job because she had been told from a young age that she needed to find a job where she was guaranteed to earn a lot of money. From the time she was a young girl, however, she had always been a social night owl with a love of funky fashion and art, and no matter how hard she tried, she never got used to the early hours, formal culture and rigid processes of her industry. A messy divorce forced her to reassess life, and when she began paying attention to her natural talents, her path became obvious: she went to beauty school and opened a small salon. Her new career allows her to sleep in, socialize in the way that comes natural and use her creative longings to decorate her salon and cut and color her clients' hair. Her only regret is that she didn't do this earlier in life. Instead of beating, twisting and forcing your instincts into submission in order conform to a life that you think you should live, try allowing your instincts to lead naturally toward the life you are meant to live.

5. View yourself objectively and accept your ordinariness. It is my experience that most people think of themselves as either the most amazing, important people on the planet or as the lamest, most unimportant people on the planet (or they waffle between both viewpoints from day to day). These are ego-driven, subjective assessments. All of us act above average sometimes; all of us act below average sometimes. Average it all out, and all of us are...well...average. View both your achievements and your failures with an objective eye, detached from emotional judgment and labeling. Don't get a big head; don't beat yourself up. Instead stay centered on center ground.

6. Before, during and after every interaction ask yourself, "Is there something I can learn from this situation to help improve myself?"

7. Innovate, don't imitate. Jealousy, envy, self-doubt and timidity are the poisons of growth. If you want to do something, do it your way and have confidence in your perspective. Don't worry if you are doing it "right" or what others might think.

8. See yourself as an expensive wine. You get better with age. Improvement does not happen all at once. It happens slowly over the course of many weeks and years of attention and effort. Plan to keep growing over your entire life and don't feel so bad if you aren't 100 percent improved immediately.

9. Ask for help. Sometimes we need direction to get us started. Other times we need a kick in the rear to get us over a hump. Read books, confide in friends, take a class, join a support group, hire a professional. Self-improvement rarely happens in a vacuum.