How to Talk to Teens About Drinking

Teenagers don't announce to parents, "I drank a wine cooler" or "I smoked a joint." Experimentation with drugs, alcohol and cigarettes is done with friends, in secret. Parents can never know for sure if their teens are drinking, taking drugs or smoking, but they can certainly participate in open dialogue imparting the information that kids need to make safe decisions. Here are 10 areas to include in your conversations about drinking.

Difficulty:

Moderately Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need

• Patience

1. Find Out What Your Teen Knows

   I talk with many teenagers who tell me that they can't talk to their parents about drinking or drugs because their parents immediately "freak out" or "start with the lecture." Teens are curious about adult things and the only way to find out what your teen knows is to stay open-minded and let teens talk about concerns and ideas as they come up. Not only will you find out what they are thinking and doing, but you can throw in your two cents.

2. Give "Call Me" Instructions

   Your son or daughter needs to be told specifically that they can call you no matter what. Tell them over and over: "You can call me, no matter what."

   One mother told her teenage daughter, "I am not looking forward to seeing you drunk, but I'd rather see you drunk than dead." Tell your teens that if they have been drinking or their friends have been drinking and it isn't safe to drive that they can call you and you will come get them. Remind them many times.

3. Keep Conversation Ongoing

   Education about drinking does not start and end with one conversation. Talking about drugs and alcohol needs to be ongoing so that all the aspects are explored thoroughly. When having discussions listen to the teen's point of view. When sharing your point of view try very hard not to lecture. Here are a few questions to pose to yourself and your teen:

   Is it ever OK to allow a teen to drink?
   What is your philosophy about a parent providing alcohol or drugs to a teenager?
   Do you think alcohol is a good way to relax?
   How much is too much?
   What is your philosophy about drinking and driving?
   How do you handle it when friends drink too much?

4. Allow for the Possibility

   Allowing for the possibility that your teen might drink lets you employ realistic preventative measures. While you can't be absolutely sure of what your teens are doing, you can be aware of what's happening in their social circle. By paying attention to the clues you're getting and asking your son or daughter what he or she thinks, you'll be aware of their decision making process. That way you can handle your concerns before experimentation turns into a problem of habitual use or addiction.

5. Find the Balance Between Being Completely Naïve and Assuming the Worst

   Imposing the rule that your teen never, ever drink is OK, however, there is a possibility that they will experiment with alcohol. You want them to know your expectations and they need to think about the issues in advance so that they can make a wise choice. Here are some questions to ask your teen:

   What do you do when you are at a party and all your friends are drinking?
   When, if ever, you do drink is your purpose to get drunk, buzzed, to relax or to be social?
   What do you consider to be social drinking?

6. Watch for Double Messages

   Teens get far too many double messages about drinking. They don't need double messages from their parents too. Teens hate it when they see their parents drunk or using drugs. If you come home from work and say, "I really need a drink," you're sending the message that alcohol is the way to handle stress and problems.

7. Set a Good Example

   Parents are important role models for their children. Studies indicate that if a parent uses alcohol, his or her children are more likely to drink themselves. Use alcohol moderately. Don't tell your kids stories about your own drinking in a way that conveys the message that alcohol use is funny or glamorous. When entertaining other adults, make available alcohol-free beverages and plenty of food.

8. Encourage Friendships

   Know your child's friends better. Do their friends drink? Talk directly with your teen about the qualities in a friend that really count, such as trustworthiness and kindness, rather than popularity or a "hip" attitude. Include friends on outings and in discussions. Invite friends to hang out with you in the kitchen. Teach them to cook.

9. Provide Exciting Activities

   One reason kids drink is to beat boredom. Encourage teens to participate in activities that are challenging and exciting.

10. Discuss Refusal Techniques

    Help your teen find a few excuses for not participating in the alcohol and drug scene. Tell your teen that it's OK to never drink. Teens who have the courage to go against the norm and do what they know is best for themselves are very admirable. Oh yes, and while you're making this point, drop in this fact too: throwing up is a sign that you've had too much to drink.

Tips & Warnings

• Don't let your house be the party house.

• Don't supply kids with alcohol.

• Stay open-minded so that you can have open conversations.

• Know signs of drug and alcohol use and pay attention.

• Most of the teenagers who drink a lot have parents who drink a lot.